The 13th of July 2015. Twenty-one years ago I was thrown out of my mother’s vagina and who knew I was going to set the world on fire?
As a toddler, no one would ever know I was on the verge to be such a hellraiser; though, the best of me probably ended up on a mattress. I guess the picture became clearer when at age seven I was expulsed from school, and the line became even less blurry when as a teen I ended up in Juvenile. Five different schools sacked me. I might have not been the best thing that happened to humanity, but I was happy to be alive and each anniversary was for me a celebration. I probably won’t go down in history, but I’ll truly be remembered as the man that went down on your girlfriend and sister.
My birthday parties weren’t that bad usually, they were actually pretty dope. My last two birthdays sucked considerably, since I was carrying an heavy weight on my foot. This weight was around 50 kilograms and was named Carolina ( well not exactly but she’s filthy rich I won’t afford a lawyer as good as hers so it’s Carolina okay ?), my girlfriend at the time. My 19th birthday was just a boring and lavish dinner with my ex’s vagina as dessert. Don’t get me wrong, her fanny has magical properties and that’s surely why I stayed that long with this lady. To this day I still remember how her hole tasted and felt. My 20th was even worse, because this time the magical lady was in foregoing an internship in China; therefore, I could not masturbate inside her. As if it was not bad enough, she even dared to say she was unsure whether she still loved me or not on the day of my birthday. I was confused and in love, so I even cried like a little pansy.
This time I would plan my birthday celebration well in advance to make sure it was as wild as my 18th. I gathered approximatively ten French girls for the party. I would see Alexandra in the afternoon. I would then pre drink on the beach with everyone, and the plan was to go to the Sansas or the Wayne’s. If I was still not wasted, or hooking up with someone, we would end up at Pompei. It sounded like the perfect plan, and I was naïve enough to think that war operations and party plans never go as expected. How could I forget that fate would fuck me over once again?
I had the bitter taste of an unplanned soiree when I stepped one foot in Nice and received a text from Alexandra telling me she was standing me up. I took a deep breath and went to the beach to swim and chill. I knew no one at the beach, so approached this group of Dutch chicks and asked them to watch my stuff while I was swimming. After all, tourists are the ones that get robbed, so they usually don’t run with your stuff like those French bastards. Add to the fact that most of Nice’s tourists are more wealthy that you will ever be, so you would be wasting your time worrying about them running off with your stash.
I then headed straight to Ma’ Nolans. I was the typical barfIy, you know, the one chatting with the bartender and everyone that lays on the bar. I met this Ozzie guy named Kent and we chatted about travels, sex, women, China and then paid for each other’s rounds for a bit. When he left, I later chatted with an Australian couple that wanted to hit some coke so I introduced him to a guy that offered me some earlier that day in the bar. he was happy about this and covered me with booze, pre-drink is paid how wonderful. It was now 8:00 pm and time to meet my friend. I was walking with a small JD’s bottle and a pack of Budweiser, while I waited for a long time. No one showed up…maybe it was time for me to inquire about the sudden desertion, I thought. What I discovered was that my birthday was boycotted because I was apparently too much of a “player”, and that they didn’t want to spend their night watching me pull women. Also, that I was not giving them much news while I was living in London. These people sounds like my boring side of the family.
You know, being left down for your birthday is an atrocious pain. Have you ever been the kid that had a party thrown for you, with balloons and a clown, and then no one shows up? You’re there crying, eating your cake while your parents try to comfort you. I have never been this child but I seen it in Smallville.
I have been alone on my previous birthday and I was alone now. We could say I know how betrayal tastes, it was not the first time I’ve took a mouth full of backstabbing crisps and eventually I had so many spoon of those that it could be the reason as to why I am a crazy fuck and care about nothing. Sorrows were soon to hit my heart though, I was intoxicated and I just took a jab from Mohamed Ali right in the face. I would love to lie and tell you I was not affected, but I almost had a tear streaming down my face and wasn’t feeling too well.Suddenly I decided that they could all go fuck themselves, and finished my bottle of JD. I proceeded to leave and hit on every women I saw until I got laid, that was the Plan B. I was not going to let faith and karma fuck me over once again on my birthday. The guy (fate) don’t respect ceasefire.He is worse than the Vietminh.he fuck me on my birthday celebrations…he has no honor.
I was getting ready to leave when Alex turned up and said, “Sorry mate I was late.” Needless to say, I hugged him so hard that we could have looked like a gay couple from a distance. He was my only true friend, so I thought he deserved to be treated right. I decided to take him out for a slice of pizza. I was steaming when Oli called me and asked where we were. I guess I had a second real friend, but my old enemies kept trying to ruin my night. I have been drunk since 4pm and it is now 10PM, it’s about time shit hit the fan. I casually passed out and lost it on the chair. I heard ” he’s dead drunk shall we put him to sleep?” No way on earth lads, tonight we will have the time of our lives and alcohol won’t ruin it, it will trigger it. I went to the toilets to clean my face with cold water and then started to get angry at myself for getting too drunk and venturing away from tonight’s goal. I was about to return to my friends, when I noticed those three lassies playing pool. After a quick chat I told them that me and my friend will win, and if we do, they have to come with us to ” le sansas “ .Since I told the waitress I was coming and we’ll be a few. There was no way I going to let my reputation down. I had better move my arse and start sourcing for it.
The ladies accepted. I told my mates to come at the pools with a beer for me, which they did. Once they walked in and saw me with the three Brits and I could see on their face that they’re glad the old Reboton is back in town. I smile and told them
” I made you a promise guys”
Though the three lassies were confident, I had a secret trick up my sleeves. Oli was mastering pool game and excelled at Trickshot. No matter how bad I sucked, Oli would have my six over this bet. On the way out, I saw the four Brits, wearing slutty dress. They had ‘up for no good’ written all over their foreheads. One said,” that looks boring here” to her friends. I stopped walking and went backward and yelled ” Hey we’re going to Le sansas we’re a little group. Do you wanna come? I have a table with bottle service.”
Bottle service is the magic words to get women baited on your table. It doesn’t mean if you’re a player if you use that word in a sentence. It means rather that you are lame as shit. Don’t sweat it though, it works. If it didn’t work, how the hell would the Qataris manage to meet women?
We landed at the bar and I am sat on the very right side of the table while my mates were chatting the Brits. I was quite shithoused, I took a chance to chill out by myself as I waited for the booze to arrive on the table. ETA was one minute. There was a cute ginger lady sitting next to me, when she gave me eye contact, I smiled back. My drink had arrived and I was talking with my recently acquired ladies when the cute ginger initiated a conversation.
Ginger girl :“So is that your style ? Going to a crappy bar with so many ladies?”
Thom :“Nah they’re just escorts. I pay them to attract ginger birds that hangs in crappy bar.”
Ginger girl: “I can tell you’re a player…”
Thom :“I don’t play!”
Ginger girl :“No ?”
Ginger girl : “Okay…”
Thom :“I get shit done!”
Ginger girl :“Aren’t you arrogant?”
Ginger girl :“Do you know what a quickie is?”
For a second I thought I got it wrong…there was no way she meant a quickie, so I inquired.
Thom :“Sorry a what?”
Ginger girl :“A quickie.”
Well that’s intriguing…it seemed like she did say the word quickie. We began making out like the plane was about to go down, so she had to have meant a quickie. She looked at me with this devilish look, and I was not insensitive to that. I could feel my cock growing in my pants, and she kept looking at me like she was waiting for something. Well, today is her day! I stood up, grabbed her hand and said:
Thom :“I don’t know but I can show you”
I just had a sip out of my glass of wine and I was already off and shagging. I wanted to wind up my mates though, so I went to Oli with the holy words:
Thom :“Bro, Got a condom?”
Oli :“Say what ? we haven’t even been here for ten minutes…”
Thom :“We’ll discuss duration later. Do you have one?”
Oli :“Un fucking believable.”
Thom :“Cheers bro, back in 10. I stick to the squad, stay put.”
The Brits looks at me with disdain and understood that I am not an attractive boy that dragged them to the bar, but the worse kind of player: sociopath sexually driven kind of asshole.
The ginger girl and myself walked toward the toilet. A lad is about to go in for a piss, so I grab his shoulder and push him aside to overtake him. He was about to rage, but I said “sorry lad you can do that in the sink,. I have a call of duty here “, and slammed the door.
I pounded the ginger bird thinking gladly about the people that turned me down today. While they must hang out at a shit pub like the Oxford talking about football or other chavy shit, here I am getting my pencil wet and it’s not even midnight. The people were queuing to go to the toilets and knocking on the door. It was already hard to focus in a toilet that smells of shit, while your legs hurts as your pounding harder and harder. I wish they could leave me alone and go pee outside.
” Im having a big shit fuck off now!”
Obviously this didn’t drive them to leave, so I decided to pull out and because the ginger lady refused to finish me off with her sweet mouth, I had to leave with blue balls. We got dressed again in order to get out. She told me that I was actually not so bad. Jeez Louise, this girl is totally an alpha.
I opened the door and I saw something like upwards of ten pissed off people staring at us with pure hatred.
The girl was pulling her belt back and I had my suspenders hanging next to my shirt wide open. I spanked her ass and shouted “ NEXT “, to which resulted in people hating me even more.
I was proud of myself and clearly taking the credit for what the ginger gal had started. I got called over by a very cute blonde girl asking if I am “ Thomas “. I looked at the blondie and said :
Thom :“Depends, who’s asking?”
Dutch lady :“We met this afternoon at the beach and you invited me and ( 7 birds ) to your birthday don’t you remenber?”
I clearly have no clue, but high five to my drunk self because they were all hot. This will look very good on my table, I thought. She looked at me and noticed I was sweaty and half naked.
Dutch lady :“Did you just fuck with this redhead?”
Thom :“Nah I just escorted her to the toilet!”
Dutch Lady :*Sigh* “Your zip is open…”
Thom : ” I refused to call it sex! It was naked poetry, is what am I saying. Modern romance! No, Mutual fusion. “Anyway, my table has bottle service if you want to join.”
I kissed her forehead and walked to my table. Big surprise Oli and Alex are alone and the Brits all left. There was a bigger issue in that picture, the fact that there is no more alcohol.
Surprised, I apologized for the ten minutes ( that was actually thirty minutes though) with the crazy bird and ask if they finished the bottle. The british lassies nicked the bottle and moved to another table with the last remaining bottle of wine. They also ordered drinks and worse… they were with others guys. I was stuptified. These were my pussies and my booze, there was no way I would let that happen without a fight.
I was in pure awe. How the hell did my friends manage to accept the fact that the Brits left with the bottle. The defense wasn’t eloquent though.
Alex :“Well we won’t punch them, would we?”
Thom :”Fuck guys, no need to punch them, just prevent them! Okay fine, I got our six.”
Diplomacy takes skills, and women are way to clever to justify violence. Punching a women will make you a trailer trash, not a problem solver. In regard to women, you need to be the bigger man, and if they act like brats, you need to be the bigger brat.
It seems that the whole world tried to fuck up my birthday and while I stared at the bottle of rosé at their table, and watched them all drink and laugh, anger rose throughout my body. I told Alex and Oli :
“this is not how it is going to happen”
I headed straight to the table and got to the bottle which was three quarters of the way full and grabbed it, pulled the straw out of one glass, and folded it around the bottle neck ( a tactic to shot a bottle ). I went on my knee and nailed it. Since I thought it was not enough and I was border line sober, I rage drank all of the glass. I had drink spilled all over my chin and torso but at least the drinks were going down fast before they even had time to realise what the fuck was going on.When I reach the lad glass he tried to pull it away but I was too fast. in an attempt to play it cool in front of the birds he went :
“Put the glass down …NOW”
Never have I been afraid to piss off a guy. I love brawling, therefore there is no way I bend to his authority. It reminded me of the movie Bad Santa, and I had been waiting so long for this moment to happen. The holy time where I could just throw this move, so obviously I had the glass down in one, he stood up, and I burped into his face and smiled and said:
” FUCK YOU”
I start to walk off when suddenly it came… I have been fighting against fate, I was supposed to have a shit night and so far I was making it big, but it was time to give me a biological punishment, I was about to hit the climax of my inhibition, the uh ho moment of my drunkness… PUKING TIME !
So I went out and had a cigarette. I was borderline dying when these two birds looked at me. smoking and staring at the ground and spitting with saliva drooling from my mouth, when the Latina looking one told me :
Spanish Cutie :“Hey you look like ass”
Thom : “Thanks, guess what?”
Spanish Cutie :“What?”
Thom :“I feel like ass too.”
Spanish Cutie :“You should have not drank so much.”
Thom :“It’s weird you sound just like my mom, I may like you after all.”
Spanish Cutie :“gross, do you have mother issues or something ? ”
Thom :“Parental issues I’d say.
Just like that our discussion began when I talked with both. I felt better when Oli Came out. He was chatting a girl that looked like the singer of escape the fate ( I know Ronnie left but ETF is bollocks now.Without him ETF just doesn’t exist to me) but let it be.
A photo of me with my shirt wide open and the two ladies
I was thinking of hooking up with the blonde, but she casually inserted in the discussion that he she was missing her boyfriend. As I was flirting with both, I went for the Spanish that didn’t mention shit about an eventual boyfriend ( that’s why I am not a player but rather an opportunist ). The bar was about to close, so we left. Not a second I thought : “ let’s try to get more kinky with this Spanish lady”, because there was no way on earth I let down Oli and Alex. Side note: She is a nice girl though, we still talk sometimes.
We were getting ready to leave, when I went to pick Alex up, he was at a table with a bunch of chicks. When I came in to let him know we were bouncing to Pompei, all of the chicks looked at me. Then one of them asked, “ do you know this guy ?” with a sassy look and all the other cheered :
I guess there were some people I wronged that night, but in my drunk stupor I have no idea what I’ve done to them. They probably saw me hooking up with different ladies, or nicking the drinks that belonged to me….let it be.
We pulled over in the stairs in Rue du collet for a puke-stop. I sat on the stairs and puked all over. My friends were in front of me , Oli with his Ronnie Radke looking bird and Alex and some other people that I had no idea who they are. All stared and some said, ” you’re a piece of shit “, or “you’re so drunk” from their medused mouth. I do not get impressed by alcohol and coma risk, and the ER is waiting for me. I have not visited them for a long time, so they must have missed me since the last trip there.
We finally reached Pompei, I got one more drink there. In the awful smoking area I kissed this girl. She offered me a drink and I was dehydrated and thirsty, so I downed this double JD&coke like if it was water. I then bought a beer drank it in the same fashion and at this point I completly lost it, oh sweet black out why don’t you come with me and take my hand.
For some reason, a good Reboton’s style summer night allies sex with random women, eventually a fight, hell loads of booze and usually taking a tactical nap in random place.
Needless to say that I woke up on the beach, laying on my stomach right on the stones, wallet in my boxer. I raiseed my head and looked around. I am surrended by some kind of raver aka Teufeurs, one guy had a speaker and was playing ” flatbeat – Mr oizo “ and dancing probably high as hell on whatever dope the market has to offer. The girl next to me turn her head and saw me scouting the area sneakily with my head up. She looked so happy and said in a cheesy way:
hippie Gal :“Aw you’re awake, how are you feeling cutie?”
Hippie Gal :“Aw, you were so funny last night…”
Thom :“May I ask who the fuck are you?”
Hippie Gal :“Don’t remenber anything?”
Thom :“Oh thanks god we shagged, you’re quite cute. High five!”
Hippie Gal :“No we did not let me tell you what happened…”
Thom :“Oh boy!”
So according to her and her friend my mates tried to pull me away from the beach, but I insisted to stay there and sleep while they tried hard to drag me away, but I became borderline violent, and said that if they were my true friends they would respect my wish. I nose dived onto the stones and napped. They asked the girl to watch out for me, and she put her jumper around me and watched me sleep.
Teufeurs may be a bunch of communist pricks, but they’re probably the most hearted people you’ll find on earth. The same goes for mosh pit and metal addict, but fuck that , fuck communism and fuck teufeurs!
Around 6AM I needed to get to work, so I walked to get the train to Juan les pins , where my bike was parked and where the hotel I work at is located. Eventually, while I was going through the train station gate, soldiers from the Operation Sentinelle ( aka army protecting citizen since the charlie hebdo attacks ) and 2 gendarmes ( army police) called me over. I was walking with my shirt wide open, and I probably looked like I came back from hell.
In a rude manner, the officer called me over, and asked me for ID right away. He put me on the wall while his fellas checked me for drugs or whatever. He then gave me back my ID and wished me a nice day, dickhead!
Once I was at work, I was getting my wonderful five star beach waiter uniform when my Frankie Carbone looking boss came to me came over and asked me how my birthday was. He then look at me and said:
Frankie Carbone :“You look like shit; you’re the worse waiter I ever had!”
Thom :“Fuck that! I asked a day off, DECLINED! deal with it bro!”
Frankie Carbone :“Bro? Excuse me?”
I’m working there since a month and I am still not sacked… beating a personal record here!