I am no vampire but I feel like one, I slept all day maybe because I hate the sun… Bullshit, I just engaged in alcohol abuse and flirted with promiscuity once more.
It seems that Dracula bit a not so virgin lady in the neck and ended up impaling the poor female in his mom’s bed. My freaked-out, conservative, and old school mother was too busy horsing around with my new stepfather away from town to realise, she left me at the house on my own and I made good use of her absence.
I can still feel the dry taste in my mouth and every inch of my body is aching.When Toni calls me, I know I’m going back into the jungle, so I pick up the phone and damn right I am back in the battle zone tonight. The girl is getting ready and I am smoking naked in the yard, soaking up the sun, with a Budweiser in my hand. I hear the lady coming and throw my beer in the canal behind to avoid her freaking out .She is a bit lost and she’s asking me how she’s getting back to Cannes, Since my mom lives in the utter country side at the pretty junction of “ wherethefuckarewe” and “ buttfuck nowhere land “ . Thank God this lady is quite the trophy… It would be my pleasure to drive her back in town. You’ve heard of the Walk of Fame, but welcome :
THE RIDE OF FAME
I could have ridden for hours listening to my Duane Eddy album and stroking her legs but we soon reach her place, therefore it’s time for me to do my errands and leave her to her fate.
Last night in my drunk stupor I lost my bag at this fake English bar. Here we go errand #1. Thank God the bartender is used to see me pissed so he protected my bag and secured it behind the counter. My phone is ringing, it’s Toni… so much for doing errands.
Toni :Hey Bro , wassup ? are you dead yet ?
Thom :Fraté, I need more than that to be dead
Toni : Okay then so we’re still meeting right ?
Thom : Yeah gay boy, where ?
Toni : Come to my house and we’ll do pre there maybe take…
Thom : Of course I will take alcohol who the fuck am I ?
Toni :Right on, see you in a bit.
Since I made a stop at the bar, I obviously had a couple of beers because we all know how much of a disgusting alcoholic I am. But it will have to be a take-away because I’m short on time. I love being drunk on the highstreet in the daytime. I always dress in a classy manner therefore people don’t understand why this elegant man is drinking on his own, and I usually make a show of myself. After a brief cop-check I smashed my beer on the ground and kickstarted my motorbike in front of all the outraged civilians.
Once at Toni’s place we started hitting the booze as normal and while chatting I expressed my strong desire to set my hometown on fire tonight. Toni was hesistant because he said Nice is ghetto and it clearly is. But I love it rough therefore Nice reflects my personality more than any other town. After long negotiation we agreed to go out in Nice. Toni and I decided to take our own bikes because traffic was going to be mad and we didn’t want to be stuck with each other in case one of us got lucky.
In my headphones, my playlist is blasting, I feel like I am going to another country on my motorbike, singing and chanting , drunk but incredibly happy to be on the way to my hometown–everybody knows my name down there. Shit is about to get real and I ran out of fucks to give, therefore we surely have a wild night ahead of us.
We’re racing on the Vaugrenier park avenue when this dickhead swerves to avoid some stuff on the ground and runs right into me. I soon lose control of the little shit and his bike foothandle hits my ankle pretty hard, and I just miss a big ass truck’s bumper as I go flying over the side of the road.
My Ankle is bleeding, but I am alive, where’s Toni?
Making a U-turn he comes to me and asks me if I’m alright, and he sees my ankle bleeding pretty badly but we decide it’s not life-threatening so we have a cigarette and wait until it stops bleeding. The beach is only 20m away so I go there to clean my ankle and we’re ready for action again.
We finally reach Nice, my hometown, and it’s already crawling with chicks in short dresses. It’s 9pm and people are already hammered, so I guess a lot of American and English tonight…
I was pumped like a pedo at Disneyland.
We go to a bar for pre drink… again! I am now the face of debauchery, my ankle hurts like a bitch and I limp like a crippled donkey but nothing will stop me from going mad tonight.
As always this big Betty Downer named Fate is trying to fuck me over for all the bad stuff I’ve done and ruin my night. Fate has already screwed me over in my professional life, but I won’t let her get to me tonight. I will always fight for my right to party, even with a swollen ankle. On a scale from 1 to Rambo, I am Chuck Norris tonight I’m and willing to soldier it with vaginal juice and booze as a pain killer.
We are in the queue, my ankle is hurting so badly I have tears in my eyes but I’m also chatting with the two birds in front of us. They are Asians from Cali and apparently underaged because they don’t get through the ID check. I really want to thank all the nazi-ish bouncers out there for keeping me out of jail—at least for statutory rape. I rarely think to ask for ages in the club and once I am under the influence of this little substance we call alcohol, I just assume long as they got boobs they must be old enough.
In the club the tension is there and within minutes, I get eye fucked from all sides. They’ve got me surrounded, left,right ,behind and in front of me.
Once I have a solid lock on you, you’re not going anywhere, motherfuckers!
This blond lassie is looking at me, turns out she’s from Sweden and really up to no good. After a few minutes we start kissing and she’s responding to me with great enthusiasm, she was getting into it like a Pornstar would after a year of abstinence. But the problem is, it’s the ” Quinze Aout” and there is no way I am making it through the night without flirting with death and alcohol, passing out… Pissing my pants is a bonus!
I kiss her on the head, put my 2 fingers on her forehead gently and then make the startrek V afterward and whisper in her ear : ” I will be back ” with a Terminator voice (Don’t ask my why I did that, my drunk-self has spoken).
I am getting wasted at the bar , I order a double jack and a beer and the bartender offers me a shot of vodka for me and the bint I was chatting, but I don’t care so I don’t share. I shoot the 2 vodka, burp on her face, and leave with my beer and jack to go find my Swedish porn star.
But I can not find her, Jesus where the hell is she?
I don’t even properly recall what she looks like because right now I am no one’s son. I am so drunk would not even recognize my own mother, much less a bird that I met in a club.
Right off the bat I pick my brain to try to remember what she looks like. So far I know that she is blonde, got blue eyes, a very short cocktail dress, C breasted probably. had a problem , the club is just crowded of hot blond chicks with slutty blackdress.
Hell I was mad. Genuinely I had a connection with this broad and all I was left with was a blank stare at my double jack Daniel with no ice. i toss it back in one go and while I am struggling to swallow it, this lady grabs my hand, she is wearing a black dress, she is blond and she is fit.
That must be the Swedish!
I start grinding and rubbing my knee on her crotch while dancing on ” Suavemente “, I’m all about romance. I can not dance salsa and the people around witness it, but since the lady is spinning all over she probably thinks I am the king of the dancehall. Soon I start grinding my knee all over her and she is getting hornier as my finger slips through her panties. I asked her if she wants to take a breath of fresh air for a minute, she accepts.
We reach the door and the Bouncer tells me ” there is a smoking area, if you leave you aint getting back in ” I gave the man 10 buck and said ” I’m back in 20min”.
We land on the beach we didn’t talk much on the way but at this point conversation is useless as windshield wipers on a submarine. There are no beach chairs out so I guess I have to take her like I drink my whisky…
ON THE ROCKS !
In my drunk balance I fall on the ground but pretend it was intended and army crawl my way in between her legs and start to eat her out. what a nice vagina she has there, I’ll give it my best elegance grade … A-!
Plot twist, she is now giving me a great head and I am borderline puking but I can’t fuck that up. I am breathing heavily and pray Dyonisos, the god of debauchery, to buy me time… He must have accepted because I didn’t repaint the bird’s face at that very moment.
Suddenly she comes up and ask me to kindly ” FUCK HER ” , her words.
Who am I to refuse ? once the rubber is on she climbs on me and starts to show me how things are done in Sweden, weird thing is she actually sounds american now but I guess it has to do with the fact they learn English with American talk shows.
She rides better than John Wayne, I’ll give her that, my fuck stick hasn’t been challenged that much for so long. While that is going on my friends get mad and start to all text me being like ” you ditched us for a bitch I bet” and other kind of insecure prick’s texts. I’ll be back in the club shorty so I decide to tell them in a fantastic manneer.
My phone is going ballistic and my mate keep telling me that if I left him II shall never bother speaking to him again – but I am too drunk to text and explain so “I snapchat my face while the girl is kissing my neck and fucking. I accidentally share it on my story while sending it to tony.
you can’t see shit but here’s the idea
This girl is so much fun, and I am enjoying it. So are my friends across my snapchats contacts. .We are having some amazing discussion as well during our naked poetry moment ( according to my friend ) …
- What’s my name babe ??!
- I dunno but feel’s good tho
We finally finish, she manages to make me orgasm in front of 10 people watching above on the pedestrian path, a pissed off beach guard that threaten me from a distance to call the cop.
she is very talented!
I am throwing the condom away in the sea and putting my cock back in my pants when she asks me a question that triggered confusion :
Suede : So how’s Fucking an American?
I reply right off the bat.
Thom :Not the first one, how’s fucking a Frenchman ?
WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT
American? WTF ? Isn’t she Swedish ? Who the fuck is she ?
Oh well whatever I ain’t the kind of chap that bother knowing this kind of stuff, But I’d like to see her again, so I pick her number and I find out her name, and even the fact that she is Jewish. whooo I guess my mom’s side of the family will accept my sexual choice for once!
Now she has to leave and so I’m here alone again and one of my mates come to me and says:
School randomer : Oi Rebot’ your Swedish GF is pissed. She’s looking for you
GF? whatthe actual fuck? Oh yeah last year I came here with my Swedish girlfriend Carolina, he must be getting the two of them mixed up…
Thom : yeah yeah whatever, where is she ?
School randomer : right there at the bar!
Great location, I need more alcohol in my system!
The Swedish lassie saw me getting on with Kitty ( let’s call her that ) and she’s a bit upset because she thinks Kitty is my GF. Well she clearly don’t know me because I don’t do girlfriends, but I refuse to justify myself and I go for a crap joke…
Thom :Yeah no need to tell, we have a very open relationship she’s currently fucking my mate in the backroom.
Actual Suede : Shut up you’re not speaking the truth….
Thom : I swear to god, anyway, would you like something to drink.
Actual suede :It takes me more to forgive!
As I look at her she’s giving me shit for what I have done, but there is no secret and I can see in her eye that she is still up to no good and probably made out with some other club randomers considering how easy it was to hook up earlier.
I dip her like a Tango dancer and kiss her right away, then I bring her back up and while wiping my mouth with my hand, I add yelling :
Thom :Now what the fuck are you drinking?
Actual suede : you’re an asshole, how about tequila ?
Thom : Go big or go home!
I go for a 5 vs 5 tequila slammers ( which by the way must have costed me a fortune, I just handed my card, I love to live in denial ) because at this point I can stand straight again and that is not how I pictured my night, as long as she don’t puke on me. My ankle is hurting more than ever and I need some pain killer. No way will I make it to work tomorrow fresh as daisy, I want to come wasted to work so maybe I can get sacked from this shitty hotel. I lose it again, I can barely stand and I am dancing with this bird on such an ugly manner that she sits me on the sofa instead. She sits on my lap as i let my finger disappear in her holy hole. She stops me and says:
Actual suede :Maybe we shall do that somewhere else ?
Thom :I know just the place!
We are walking and the bouncer looks at me with disdain and suddenly laughs and says “you’re on a roll tonight bro, 20quid though if you wanna come back later”.
Cheeeky Cunt…
We head to the beach and end up on the exact same spot where I had sex with Kitty. It’s genuinely disgusting but hell she’s not supposed to know that, I’ll just have it on my conscience. My phone keeps going ballistic and toni keeps calling me. This feels so déjà vu, but the posture I have with the lady isn’t exactly snapchattable. It would expose her way too much so this time I opt for a classic. I just pick up my phone when toni calls and set it down so he can hear what I am up to and understand what my sudden vanishing was all about.
I am leaving the beach again, my knees are bleeding and my ankle still hurt like a bitch, I am walking my way back to the club when the Beach guardian moans that next time he sees me ” he will pull me out of the chick ” to which I advise he shall not otherwise I will smash the crap out of him with my cock. That line almost got me killed by a massive black dude and I would not be here to write it down if he wasn’t a patient beach guardian.
I come back in the club and the mates I was hanging with, I am walking toward my table when everybody start showing the video of me and kitty to the Swedish that as a result insult me and slap me ( I think she actually believed the video was her ). Very angry towards my mates, that was pointless, ignorance is bliss and she was way more happy that way, I told em to go fuck themselves, got a massive down on the Vodka bottle and left saying :
NIQUEZ VOS GRAND MERES LES SALES PUTES
Translate it as ” Go fuck your grandmothers the filthy sluts “, that being said I go upstairs since I haven’t set mayhem on the second floor just yet. I start to sit on a table and smoke,one of the bints from the table is getting a bit bersek on me and say that there is a smoker area and I am not invited on her table. I look at her in the most arrogant way, I mean I am still mad at my friends and there is no way I bend over to a Parisian chick in MY CITY!
Thom : Hey, Guess what? I do whatever the fuck I want!
Parisian chick : No you don’t, leave or I call security!
Thom :Boo fucking woo, call the whambulance instead of security
PS: She did not get my brilliant joke at all because french people don’t have a sense of humour. Hell the last time they did something funny someone showed up in the office to blow the cartoonist.
Parisian chick : You are a loser ! Okay, remenber… You wanted it, getting security now ” Boloss “ ( Still don’t know what the fuck she meant to this day )
Thom : Hey doll you owe me a rib!
She’s going to get security and I am trying to get my last strenght to escape before the Club’s police throws me out. The struggle is real and my leg hurts like a bitch I start to limp my way out when I realise she come to the only bouncer I tipped all night.They look at me and I can see from the body languages that I was saved from being thrown out and that she didn’t get the effect she wanted out of her rant. So I sit back on the table where everyone literally hates me. Good god I am such a prick!
She comes back and sits quite close to me, I am smoking not even looking at her, checking my phone when I learn Toni got lucky and is leaving. Fine bro, well played, I am going to make it my mission to piss that table off.
I am stealing a drink from them and their skinny prick friend is trying to prevent me but I push him back and take a big shot from the glass and throw it back on the ice Bucket.She look overly shocked in my direction and then say:
Parisian Chick: Who the fuck are you? Some kind of mob?
Thom : Who the fuck are YOU ? interpol ?
Parisian chick :You are so rude, and management doesn’t even give a shit!
Thom :What did the managers say? Oh I bet he was mad at me…
Parisian chick :Funny, so what are you ?
Thom :Well I was Thomas the headhunter, now Thomas the promoter/beach waiter, soon to be Thomas the job seeker, yourself?
Parisian chick :I am studying medicine…
I don’t know for the rest of the world but in France, medicine student are reffered to as utter sluts; at this point the lassie became of interest and I started flirting with her.
Our discussion became incredibly philosophic when she started telling me how strict and conservative her family was and how everybody think she will be impossible to approach because she comes across rude… “No shit, I thought you were a prick at first” I said.
The more we talk and the more obvious it gets that this bird hasn’t made whoopee for a long time. I started to kiss her like I was trying to give her CPR, no limit, I am drooling all over her face and so does she on mine, she then pull me away and say that we shall leave. A few minutes later I acknowledged that she was staying in a flat in Gambetta avenue. The deal is simple:
- She leaves first and I follow a few minute later to not raise her friends suspicion ( because they think I am a prick and would definitely cockblock)
- We do what we have to do in her flat and I leave right after since I can’t stay over.
After a 10min talk she walks away from the table and as the plan is set, I follow with a minute after yelling at her friends that they shall go fuck theirselves.
They are looking at me, shaking their heads in disdain, while I failed to steals a last drink from them them as I am too spifflicated to be fast.
I left the table and made my reverence to them which pissed them off even more. Down the stairs the lassie is waiting for me. She eagerly rushes me out, I take my jacket and helmet at the cloakroom and I was off to poundland.
I am so close to puke, the whole world is spinning, she’s asking me if I am still there, vision is blurred and I don’t remenber all of it, I am blacked out, memory is wiped out from then to the part where I am actually naked on the bed and shes unzipping my pants…
She is going down on me to probably give me a head but I tell her it isn’t necessary , hell I would feel bad if this girl blows my dick after all that happened to my Wurst tonight.She said “ what if I want to “ , well you’ve been warned love.
I am thinking “The Squad would never believe me” she have my meat and even my balls in her whole mouth. I am too thick and drunk to make a move. She then ride me all over, I can’t get it hard as usually, but she’s kissing and humping me harder and moan even more, when she did the mistake to put her hands on my stomach…
My dad once told me that there is a game called AIDS RODEO, principle is simple:
You get in the bird and admit you have AIDS and the goal is to stay the longest as possible inside her, So I am proudly presenting my new game concept, I have named
PUKE RODEO.
I am puking on the side of the bed and she yell at me but I am holding her hips while puking on the bed and managed to keep her inside the whole puking session, if I counted it probably be a nice 10 second.She soon kicks me out of her place, it is 3’clock ish and I need to find a place to sleep or go, street are deserted and all birds I see got their little french man on their arms, I guess I won’t be a 4th tonight… thanks for Humanity.
I went back to the promenade des Anglais and went on the private beach but the guardian kicked me out, I did in total 5 beaches until I had to slept under some stairs that reeks of piss, to finally take the rain on my face. Fine Karma is having its revenge. I had fun tonight and I went over the line , then I realised, I have lost my helmet and I cannot do 42 km with no helmet, I will get caught, slash I am so shithoused and tired I barely can stand, I am dirty as fuck too, my hands stinks of pussy and I smell of dirty dry sweat and urine ( must have pissed my pants too) .
Here I am, wearing my suit, in the bus, with puke on my shirt and look like I just came from hell and back. Feeling like if I got stampeded by a crowd of 150 obeses. Beaten by life I come to the hotel and Bruce Willis is looking at me and say ” Here it is , Mr Reboton ” in a very sarcastic way. I looked at him and said ” it’s not me it’s my ghost and I came to haunt you” , he did not even get upset, I used him to far worse…
STILL NOT SACKED THOUGH, MOTHERFUCKERS !
The Pursuit of Sluttiness 