Back in vice city


Hey Fellas, have you heard the news?

Guess who’s back in town!

Nice cotton shirt, beautiful Leather moccasins and better game, but still the same bellend. Wasn’t sure that my mother would have recognised me at the airport terminal, but as soon as she smelt the whiskey and the black eyes, she soon understood it was her beloved son.

Since I was sick of being thrown out of London I developed a very suicidal way of living, that gifted me with fights, pussy juice and broken glasses. Needless to say, I cared very little for my life and would surely drink my way toward death while riding the pony of depravation.

I spent my first week home chilling out: I bought a motorbike, and rode my way throughout the blissful french countryside, with tears in my eyes and very little hope about a successful future.


The dax I bought. check the detail tho… BAGUETTE in the hand

I first started a new job on a construction site, but after just one day, I considered an offer from a mate to work as a club entertainer. But since it would be undeclared and under the table, he advised me to find a job in hospitality to make it look “legitimate”. So this, is how I’ve ended up at the Belles Rives Hotel as a beach waiter. I kept it together for a week, mostly owing to the fact that I had no money to spend on going out. But, soon enough I’d worked enough to cash in my wages and begin to find my way in the fog. Man, did those people at the Belles Rives lick the arses of the rich. So much so that they slowly but surely became as snobby and obnoxious as our clients were.

When they started to turn their noses up at me, the harm was done, and it was too late to stop the horsefuckery train that was already rolling at full speed. I did have an ounce of respect for the profession and the people there, but snubbing me was the wrong thing to do, and I was about to live my life like if I was going to die tomorrow.

One night, on my way home from work, I met an aupair lady in the train. We flirted, and I scored her number. I was planning to go on a date with her this Monday (but it would seem that the sassy brat has stood me up), which would be nice since I generally require alcohol to course through my veins, and this date was an opportunity to have an afterwork beer.

I opted for the lamest solution and went alone for a beer at the Morrisson pub in Cannes. Well, sure I went for a beer, but I never promised that I would have just one. Caught up in the mourning and rage at the doll who let me down, when suddenly I saw Roma, a guy I work with. I rushed towards him, admittedly stealing the glass from the bar, since I just wasn’t ready to give up that beer yet. They were going to the beach to play football, and have some booze… I AM IN! While playing a little ball, I noticed a bunch of chicks on my right and it’s about time I show my new workmate what I am made of, and my ultimate talent:


So I went for the classic American-frat-boy-douche move, and threw the ball at the birds. I came to pick the ball up and began to chat them up for a short time, while my workmate waved his arms begging for the ball to be returned. Eventually I threw the ball back and sat down with the lassies. I looked at them and proposed to them that if I could guess where they are from, they have to give me one of their beers. Of course, they accepted, dumb moves, I’ve been dating enough Swedes to smell you from a mile away.

So I looked at them, pretended to focus, and said : “SWEDEN, probably Stockholm. But you, the brunette one, you must have Serbian background, aren’t you from Malmo?” The brunette had a slightly different accent, and appeared a little more slutty than the other. With a Slavic name too, it was easy to connect the dots. Thanks to Zlatan, I knew there was a massive slavic community in Malmo. Of course, they’re astonished at this point, and allow me to drink from their bottle. I then bring to the table a game of “rock paper scissors”: if I win, they join me and my friends (we’re 3, they are 3… Assured gangbang right ?).

I won, they joined us.

The guys really ought to have thanked me, but I forgot that the twats barely spoke a word of english between the three of them. This is hilarious, by the way, since english language skilled were a required asset on our job specification. Even though this is a tough situation to overcome, I don’t need no wingman to get my pencil wet, so I started to flirt with blondie. I soon changed my mind however, and went over to the Asian one, since I never fucked an Asian, and I was keen to tick that box that on the list just to see how it feels. At this point I was blowing stardust in the faces of my fellow workers, as they watched the situation unfold before their eyes, helpless.

Bolt out of the blue, a French bird approached, and asked me if we had a corkscrew. The opportunity to play the dickhead was just too good not to take. I told her to bring her bottle. She goes all the way across the beach, back to her friends, and brought back the bottle. I looked at her, and said:

Thom: What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

Girl :Are you being serious?

Thom :Fuck off, go back to your friends.

Needless to say, she stormed away, raging.

The guilt kicked in, and so I dropped the facade and told her I was joking (even though, it didn’t change the fact that I do not own a bottle opener, nor carry one around with me), and that I would help her, since an alcoholic like myself would always be able to open a bottle. However, I did presume to ask if I could try the wine once it was open. She accepted. May god bless her little soul, since she don’t know what I call a “taste”.

Anyway, I took my knife and started to stab the cork and slowly inclined the blade to prise it out far enough that I could bite the cap with my teeth. I handed her the cork and announced that it was time for my part of the bargain, so I bent down on one knee and downed half of her bottle.

I handed it back, with a small kiss on her cheek, “good night, love”. Safe to say that she was pissed, but what can she do? My friends started to drop like flies, not that I cared much, since they had no real value to the mission, and I was already assured to have a wild time. One of them said while leaving : I gotta work tomorrow, dude

So do I bro… ROCKNROLL

The swedes and myself decided to head down to le Carré d’or, where I paid for the first round, they get the second. I was slowly getting shithoused and engaged in some eyefucking with blondie. While I was still considering making whoopee with the Asian lady with the piercing, I was now almost fulling committed to licking the pink snatch of blondie.

Things weren’t going well though. The Asian gal didn’t just stand aside while I flirted with her friend, since I had moved in on her earlier, and sure enough, the slav was very upset to not have her girls to herself. Soon enough I’d gotten round to kissing the blondie lile if I gave her CPR.

Atmosphere went from bad to batshit insane. The girls argued, and as a result, left the bar. But, as they argued, I managed to make friends with a little Parisian toolbar, and decided that I would be Batman, and he would be my Robin.

We bounced around the bar for a little, and then went to the dive right across the street. A shit club called Replay, a crap name, ought to have been called CHAVCLUB because it was full of chavs, council estate sluts and drunk tourists that couldn’t afford venues like the Gotha, or were too ugly for the Baoli.

In the posh clubs I’d usually get worshipped by the cats and the birds, but in a chav club like this one, people looked down on me like a fortunate son that lost his way. Genuinely I struggled harder to hit on the average chicks, than on  rich ones. To respect the tradition, I was struggling on this Belgian brat that clinging  to me like a bad smell… But I finally managed to escape her by leaving the table pretending to go for a piss, leaving the Parisian to his fate of getting ripped by frustrated brats. And just when I thought this chav club couldn’t get any more crappy, there is only one toilet with a door that doesn’t even close. That, of course, means that the staff have to stand and hold the door while you piss.

Once you left the loo you would feel so lame and embarrassed, as if the club forced you to tip the door holder. In the queue I chatted to some birds from Gap. It’s a little town lost in the Alps, not far from where I happened to have spent time in juvenile jail ( what do you expect ? ). So we shared geographic knowledge and engaged conversation. She was with a group of other alpine hillbillies, just on a road trip to spend some time on the French Riviera, and it was their last night.

Translation: she was down to get fucked.

With one hand on her thigh, a tequila slammer and a hand in her hair, I knew I would be soon enough switching saliva with her. She wanted to go for a smoke, which was the perfect opportunity to hang around with the Belgians brats that had bashed me earlier on. God wanted me to teach them a lesson so bad, that he left a chair vacant as one of them went to the speciality chavclub loos. I really wanted to thank the holy karma that for once decided to teach someone else a lesson, than some else paying me back for my own insolence.

So I stole their chair and sat on it with Suzette on my lap, and realised that it was in fact the most virulent of the girls that had gone to powder her nose. Needless to say that when she returned, she was infuriated and wanted me to leave immediately, but was clearly not happening.

So I ordered a board of slammers and even decided to settle down using half of their table (which, by the way, was the only free one). She threaten to call security, but I was quick to remind her of the fact that we were in CANNES, and that I just ordered an entire line of shots, and by the looks of their behaviour, they needed a good drink, since they’d become so lame and annoying.5am. Chavclub is now closing and my alpine hillbilly is quite keen to get the full English breakfast with sausage and bean juice, if you know what I mean.

Good luck to anyone trying to find a hotel at 5am for 100 quid that would give you a room for a quick shag in Cannes. Desperate from all the rejections that came my way, I looked at Suzette and hit her with some good common sense.


But faith was not about to give me her sweet vagina that easily. Therefore it was needless to say that the beach was full of those new wave hippies we call “teufeurs” (aka ravers).

Oh how those people enrage me, they ought to just do like everyone else, go to an overpriced club and drink shit water-diluted drinks and let the beach free for those who want to screw.

I was desperate and the eventuality of me going knee deep in Suzette was fading as fast as the sun was rising, and I was running short of sex spot. I gave a 360 look around, when suddenly it hit me, I was not ready to give up some pussy over some poorly timed circumstances. I looked at the jetty and the rocks, bingo.


We walked all the way to the end of the jetty and settled down on some rocks. It was no bad idea of mine, since as soon as she sat on the rocks, my hands were already down there. I went down on her (who could prevent me doing so?), since there was not a soul around and that was for the best since I am drunk as fuck, pants on my ankles it wasn’t pretty nor romantic.

For some reason I simply could not do my best, going harder and harder trying desperately to throw my juice. As I was pounding Suzette, a man walked on the platform above us he stopped and stare. I knew that if I told Suzette someone was watching she would be cut short of her sexual eruption. So I decided to keep it going and simply threw a thumb up to the old bloke while doggy styling her.


She’s dumb enough to say her dad’s name (which I thought was creepy, and weird as fuck). But if she’s dumb enough to get with me and get fucked on some rocks I won’t judge her since she is quite obviously doing me a favour.

In case another perv walked by, I proceeded to fuck Suzette with her face looking at the opposite direction from the platform. Impossible to cum still, I am trying so hard now that I feel like I am killing a pig. She must have been enjoying herself, since she was smiling while I drilled her. I’ve found that most women love to pull this angry looking face when you smash them so if they smile it means that they are truly having a ball.

How about we share some pleasure and I drop my load?

At this point my knees are hurting like a bitch and are bleeding as I finally get closer to bust my nut. I was trying my best to recall every sexual deed I had done in my life in order to get turned on the max and cum but the voyeur from earlier on was watching me, hiding behind a rock just a few feet away from me. I was trying to get him to leave without alarming the bird and as surprising as it sounds we were able to communicate without words. I understood that he wanted me to open Suzette’s ass and he would leave after.

Now, while that may sound like a funny to do, here I am fucking the bird on the side with her arse facing the strangers while I open her butt. He’s out of control watching it and I even played the game to the extra mile when I stuck my finger deep inside her pooper. But the man did anything but flee, he was enjoying the scenery way too much. Suzette offered to finish me with her mouth when she noticed the man. As every hillbilly would, and as the guy was mediterannean looking she conjured up as many racist slurs she had available to her.

“Hey you fucking Arab, why don’t you go fuck your goat far away from here?”

I burst into laughter as the guy left, she asked me if I’d noticed him already, which I denied of course. That kind of killed the vibe so I lit a cigarette with my cock out and my trousers around my ankles. As I was smoking she went on top of me and grabbed my shlong to put it in her hole…without a condom.

While I am usually reticent about unprotected sex but it’s not like I am going to live forever and she probably has birth control (just checked on Facebook, doesn’t look like she has a kid). She fucked me hard until I creampied her. We parted ways at 7am. I caught the train and slept on a public bench before starting work at 8am. Around 9am I went to work and puked all over the kitchen sink in front of all the chefs.

I’m giving myself 3 weeks to get sacked 


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