How sweet is it to wake up to the sounds of the birds ?
You are probably picturing the Disney classic. Snow White opens up her cute eyes as the robins sing their serenade, the whole while the bright sun rises in the landscape.
Right, my Saturday morning wasn’t quite like this. It all started with good intentions by going out with my platoon buddy and drinking a beer or two. It ended up getting shitcanned and spending almost half of my salary on booze.
Saturday morning, found myself on a bench, hell of a place to end on a run. I was left with a blackout and an aching body, left for dead on a bench in Toulon ( 200km away from Nice ) in the middle of a cacophonia generated by the pigeons rioting above my head.
A normally constituted person would have found this situation creepy as fuck…Not me.
I looked around. Last night must have been rough for all I remember or care but #yolo life will go on. I headed to the train station smoking a cigarette and singing Fly Me to the Moon. Once in Cannes, my long journey wasn’t sorted since the bus had an accident and I had to walk 5km to go back home. It was the morning end so I went for a tactical nap until 1 to then go to the beach with a pack of 12.
At the total end of my life, incapable of thinking rationally, I thought it would be a good idea to go out again, even though I had to show up to my regiment tomorrow and probably struggle my way through all of next week.
Totally lacking in plans, I accepted an invitation to go for a chilled out drink with Runkle and his girlfriend. That would include all the gf’s friends who hate my guts.
Why would they hate me?
Oh. Well, because I am an asshole, , I drink more than it is humanly possible at the most inappropriate times, and love to brawl as much as I enjoy a good blow in between two streets by a morally questionable woman.
All her friends are the cliché of the young college socialists that dream of a vegan world where political correctness rules our life and men bend over women.
Most people wouldnt go out with people that hates their guts…Not me.
They would all look at me like I was the devil and I would casually ask “ so what’s up fam “ as they all sigh. This, my friend, is what I call happiness. I lust in mayhem and causing havoc is my favourite sin.
Most people live in this idea of trying to get people’s approval; they walk into a room wondering if they made a good impression… For all I care I wonder if I liked them… Because I am a proud prick.
So far my weekend had been a drunken fiasco. Left with a body aching, struggling and dying in the train I was really hoping for a sweet one tonight. But my chances probably aren’t that good after joining a squad of cocksucking butthurts. I’ve learned that on the nights when I go to Nice it’s a good idea to get smashed prior to arrival.
France doesn’t have Starbucks, therefore taking a coffee at night-time where you are in a rush is nearly impossible. The beautiful motherland doesn’t have devoted Pakistanis ready to serve you cheap vodka at any time of the night. Actually, the Land of Romance sucks a lot when it comes to living life the way I’d love it to be. You have to show up in a supermarket before 10PM, for the simple reason that there is a law that prohibits selling booze after this time.
21:53 I’m running in Monoprix to buy two bottles of wine and a can of monster to survive the night. I was in the queue and three hot American chicks were queing in front of me. I was staring at them like a crocodile staring at a kid in a Disney park ( oh too soon ? ). Runkle called me as I was waiting and mentally wanking.
Runkle: Oi fuckhead, you’re late.
Thom: Sorry just buying some booze.
Runkle :Mate don’t come fucked at the bar, it will jives
.Thom :So ?
Runkle :C’mon man, don’t be a tits.
Thom :Okay, but only because your gf will be there.
He has a gf and mean business with her. I’ve played the respect card and left the queue in order to put the booze back on the shelf… it was now 21:55. Meet me halfway Runkle you twat, I’ll take just one bottle.
I went back in the line and the chicks were now gone, poor me, one of them was really my kind. As I looked behind I saw my favourite of the three behind me, so I engaged conversation :
Thom : Hey love, weren’t ya before me?
Goldie : Yes, but I wanted some chocolate.
She said it with a cute smile and an innocent voice that didn’t escape my notice. It brought back my most questionable sexual deviances and in less than a second I could picture myself doing the most dirty things to her. Coming back to earth, I was casually chit-chatting with her when Runkle called me again.
Runkle :I said no alcohol !
Thom :Fuck you I’m coming.
Runkle :Okay it’s the bar next to the place you slapped the guy last month
As I picked up the phone I went to the cashier and lost my “crush of the Saturday pre-evening “.. once again I was left with a blank stare at a bottle with no girl to hold my hand. But no need to cry, I feel that the god of debauchery planned to get me laid and there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Speaking of sea, that’s always were I end up fucking anyway!
Walking down the avenue downing my wine and getting eyes contact from random drunken and horny tourist I finally managed to reach the bar “next to the place I slapped this guy last month”… Every good thing comes to an end at some point. The atmosphere in the bar was electric, with chicks and girls I know in every corner. The vibe at my table was as I planned too. Everyone gasped at my sight, wondering who the fuck has the balls to invite me to crash their little PC pansy party.
As I sat with my pint I looked at the chick in front of me… I knew her from before, yes she was a waitress at Manolans. Consequently I must have tried to flirt with her but this time she was not as happy as usual to see me. She even said “I’ve heard about your website” sounded as if she was betrayed.
I’m not a genius nor a doctor but I soon understood that in order to lubricate this evening I needed to step up my game and order some whisky. A few glasses later I left the table to chat up some birds outside and even catch up with one of my exes that happened to be there.
2 hours passed and the Fannies pack was leaving. I looked at Runkle, confident about the fact that it was originally agreed that we would go out afterward. But the man didn’t look so keen and seemed to be planning on a smooth evening making whoopee with his old lady. I was gutted because it meant I would have to go alone hunting for action. But, thank God, his lady was on my side and pushed him to go out with me at the condition that we walk her and her feminazist militant friends back home. That could ruin my vibe, because for an hour it mean I would have to enlarge my asshole listening to the usual deaf discussion you can’t have with militant people ( from all sides—left, right, gay, or homophobic, the militants will never try to understand you ).
Fuck it. At this point if it means I can have the Runkle to myself for one night, I can take bollocks from someone. I even tried to have a reasonable discussion with her… which led nowhere. It’s all fun and games, bullshit and bollocks so I’ll cut it to the highlight reel.
Thom: Look, the world is rotten. Love it or hate it, it won’t change a thing, I make the best of it without worrying about offending people.
Feminazist : Yeah but you’re too pessimistic, some nice people try to make the world better.
Thom: Yeah but it never led anywhere, you’re vision of a better world is hell to me.
Feminazist: Well sometimes you need to accept other people’s needs.
Thom :Okay, the vision of a better world by Adolf Hitler was…
Feminazist :No you cant..
Thom :Lemme finish, his vision of a better world was a world without Jews where Germans rule the world. Well a lot of Germans agreed and fought for this to happen, but at the end of the day, I bet my Jew ancestors didn’t like it much.
Feminazist : You cant use that as an example.
Thom : Why not ?
Feminazist : Because he was a FASCIST.
Thom : Originally a socialist, national socialist though
Feminazist : This point is clueless !
Yeah basically she disagreed with all I said and accused me of using big shocking examples, but what can you do. I am fine with taking the dumb twat outfit and letting the stubborn believe they are right because I just can’t be bothered.
We finally made it to Waynes… HALLELUJA the night can start, with a bottle. Yes we got a lot to catch up with booze wise.
In my element, I know everyone in Waynes. I am now hooking up with a girl from Texas that I met yesterday in my drunk stupor, apparently. I don’t remember much, but a lot of people seem to have met me last night.
Keep a Knocking when the king coming was playing. Bouncing going down the stairs like the typical college frat party twat, bantering around and boasting my ass, off I noticed a face that reminded me of something.
Bold boy : Hey Thomas, I used to work at your school you remember ?
Thom : No, who the hell.
Bold boy : I was the guy that got you 3 days suspension for the time you stole the wheelchair at the nursery ?
Thom :Oh, yeah I remember, nice to see you again… fucker.
Bold boy : C’mon it was a long time ago and it was my job to watch you guys, you’re quite known here aren’t you ?
Thom : Yeah speaking of, I like the look of this chick and that’s something I wanna lick. Yeeebeeekahay motherfuckers
This guy thought he could ruin all my Wednesday afternoons at school and be my friend now, well not in my world. Can’t believe he even dared to come and say hello, he is either way a dimlo or he’s just got balls.
Thom : 0
Detention boy : 10
I played a little bit with this irish chick and once we started making out she told me she was a hairdresser. That cut my mild boner and I was now keen to get more alcohol in my system to forget about this terrible tactical mistake I made.
Detention boy was talking to the Texan chick I gave CPR… I mean kissed. It was the perfect opportunity to just pop by and give a sway. I walked and made out with the bird right in front of his face. He made this awkward yellow smile that meant “ okay well played, you’re avenged now “ . oh boy I’m far from avenged.
I went all night hooking up with his girls. I kissed all the chicks, ugly and beautiful. Not my selection but detention boy was indirectly making all my decisions for me.
Runkle at the back and detention boy’s old lady is all I need.
The last one I made out with ( 5 or 6 in total ) drove detention boy batshit insane. He was trying to show force and cockblock me yelling like a victim in his terrible English “ HE WAS MY PUPIL.”
Detention boy : – 50
THOM : 60
Though that could have been a fun thing to do all night, Waynes was closing so we went toward our usual purgatory : The Pompei.
Every Pompei visit follows the same track: Handshake the bouncer, say hello to the bartender, get a free drink and go upstairs for a smoke. As I did just that, I was smoking and Runkle let me know he wanted to leave the place to go and sleep.
As soon as he stepped out the door I was getting myself ready to drink my way to death, speaking with the other drunk cunts at the bar, when I heard some American birds yelling. Before I had time to realise what was the fuss all about or try to hit on those chicks they came to me. I didn’t know what to believe, at this point logic could be such a lie because the probability was almost inexistent. Probability of what ?
Well, remember those girls that I bumped into in Monoprix, the ones in front of me in the queue? Well they’ve multiplied… and my favorite one is there.
I had a feeling that she was slightly out of my league. Her derriere was something out of this world and by just staring at it when she talked to the other girl, I just wanted to touch it. Her friend was hot and I could have gotten at least 3 of them easy. But the more I look at her, the more her friends’ attractiveness becomes irrelevant.
I soon fucked off from her friend pack and moved her away to get her alone with me at the bar. On top of having a cute face and a wonderful ass, she is American with a really different accent to what I am used to. This girl is ticking all my boxes. I was stroking her legs as we spoke about some random thing and the kiss naturally happened. We went down to the bar and get a drink and talked more. Behind her was this drunk douche that kept on pulling her hair and laughing, I don’t know how lads could come to the conclusion that this could be a fun thing to do, but here we are, a drunk cunt laughing alone with his mate pulling the hair of a chick.
Since my hair is freshly shaved and eventually because I am tall people tend to shat their pants when I threaten them, so needless to say when I told this guy I would whiplash the fuck outta him he soon stopped. Though a random thing, this was clearly an opportunity to show the big arms in front of the chicks. Having some good old-fashioned arm clenching, after all why the hell not, most of the time chicks hate me when I do that. But she didn’t, weirdly enough she seemed glad about it. This cat is dating material, no joke.
As we were talking her friend came to us and started to set us up. Hilarious to me and even offensive that her friend dared to think I would not flinch or try my hardest to get on with her hot friend with the fantastic butt and the hair with golden highlights. I respect the idea of doing so since it is always better than a cockblock and that maybe now Goldie won’t give me shit about PDA with her friend around.
Why do American birds need to be so annoying about PDA ?
Her friend stormed away in her drunken stupor to do whatever the fuck god knows when suddenly they let us know that they were leaving. I was worried that Goldie would slip through my finger like sand in a fist but her douche male friend came over and said loudly in front of the both of us.
“Hey buddy, there’s no need to waste more time here, if you want to bang her tits come with us.”
In utter disbelief of what this man said in front of my chick I accepted the offer since truly I was down to bang her tits out 1 2 3 or 5 times if necessary in every way possible or even lick every inch of her body… feet excluded.
We ended up in a shit bar called the Blue Whales where I had some shots. Since I didn’t like the lads’ remarks earlier on I was taking the mickey out of em and confronting them for shit about their douche behaviour, but the most incredible thing ever happened.
A girl from the group took me apart and asked me to be nice to the boys. If she was honest with herself (and me) she would have said : Look, I know they are two gigantic cunts but we really want to get laid.” Life is unfair, whenever I have been a douche, and lord only knows how many time it’s happened, no girl ever said to someone “ be nice to Thomas “ or if it has happened I never realised.
A few hour later we ended up going to one of the chap’s house and within minutes the “after party “ united all the elements for an orgy. There was a suspended bed and a guy was getting a blowjob and the others were kissing so hard they might as well have been giving each other CPR. I was left out with Goldie and her friend that we’ll call Leonora. I’ve been in countless orgies like this one but I was embarrassed because Leonora had a boyfriend and in her strive to be loyal she had to deal with all her friend having fun and not her. She left and started to wait outside so Goldie and I joined her, hoping to get an uber. My card got blocked because my bank didn’t believe I could have managed to spend 400e on booze on a single evening ( well they don’t know me yet, I’m new to this bank ) so I couldn’t call a cab. I knew my chances of getting laid were slipping away when suddenly I saw a black car with an eastern arab guy driving. That was an uber and he had a client but I begged him to pick us up as soon as he was done, which he did.
Oh my good God it is finally happening, I’m going home with Goldie and Leonora. As we reached their place they realised they didn’t have their keys. I know that God can’t be too good to me and has to throw difficulties in my face just to see how I adapt and overcome. Down the flat they had their short haired lesbo friend staying in so they kept calling her but it kept going to voicemail. It was time for me to make one last effort before I clearly lose the battle against fate. Sure, climbing the building would have been something I would have been ready to do and I was getting mentally prepared to do so to reach the open window when suddenly a neighbour shouted in French “ would you shut the fuck up “ so I replied with my best English tourist impression in a broken French “sorry man we lost our key of the front door would you mind opening to us”. As she did that we were now in ready to climb the stairs and knock on the door to get to the place.
Thom : 1
Fate : 0
As I walked in the flat her friend cringed at my sight but Goldie and Leonora told her I was okay… Jeez I should really do something with my hair.
Leonora and I were on the bed, my head resting on her stomach and Goldie was in the bathroom. We were chatting simply. I’d love to tell you how I turned this in an incredibly wild 3some but that would be lying and that’s the opposite of what my book is all about.
Thom : Hey love may I ask… where do you sleep ?
Leonora : here, with Goldie.
Thom : oh so you guys are sharing a bed ?
Leonora : yeah all of us, we are 2 per bed, it was cheaper
Thom : okay, then would you mind giving me 30min alone with Goldie, just me and her
Leonora : youre a lovely guy, I’m fine with that.
For once the wheel has turned, I could not believe a friend of a girl I’m hooking up with would ever call me a nice guy and would be down with me asking if I can fuck her friend.
When Goldie came back Leonora automatically left and I closed the door once she passed. I threw my almost lifeless drunk body over and started making out. As our breath got faster she asked me where Leonora went.
Thom : don’t worry, I bought us some time
Goldie : What does that mean ?
Thom : shhhhhhh
Yes! After a fucked up Friday and a lot of chinoiseries I am finally getting laid, I wanted to shout “ oh FUCK YEAH HALLELUJA “ but she would have gotten a bit creeped so I kept this private joke for my favorite public : myself.
Loving the life at this very moment, her friend who was getting pounded in the douche’s flat came back to the flat in a fury. Yelling and singing, one of them came into the room while I had my head in between Goldie’s thigs. I jumped backward and the hilarity ensued
Girl 1 : oh my fucking god what the hell are you doing here ?
Thom : I got lost on my way to college.
Girl 2 : oh fuck you’re still here ?
Thom : would you kindly get lost… fucksake Girl 1 stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Girl 2 : It’s Goldie’s job
Thom : get looooooost
As the door closed I got back at it and I was now knee deep in the action when Girl 1 came back to get a phone charger. I was in missionary on top of Goldie next to this bum mumbling and raging about a phone charger. If I was a sarcastic prick I would have offered to help, but I still want to bust a nut so I’ll keep it diplomatic.
She obviously didn’t find it right away so I was basically waiting for her to finish while being inside goldie in a waiting position. She finally left with the motherfucking charger and let me alone with Goldie. But she’d already ruined it and Goldie wasn’t in the mood anymore I had to “ take the bull by the horn “ … in a less poetic way, just wank the hell out of it.
My mama tried to educate me well, and she clearly failed but at least some ruins of the sartorial education I received remain. So I offered to make breakfast before I go… I mean, for once I am shagging in a bed.
I didn’t have enough, and it was sad that she had to take a plane that was in an hour and half, so there would be no rematch. The chances of me seeing her again are as likely as Ted Cruz becoming the next president. It’s the definition of what Spargo would call a one night affair, well let it be.