Ill Gotten Goods Seldom Prosper


I have been working at the Belles Rives for about a month and a half now, maybe two months, but who cares?!

I have been pushing the boundaries and have pissed off the whole of management here, including a recorded formal warming, but for some reason I still have not been sacked. This is madness but at least, I can say that no one has ever been so patient as they have been with me, so shout out to them for that. The restaurant team and the beach bar team (aka where I worked) had a bit of a rivalry for tips. The reason was we were not dealing with their clients and they were not dealing with ours, simple as that. There was a big knobhead working for the restaurant team called “Noah.” He was an aggressive prick and we argued and came close to fighting on countless occasions since he kind of acted like he was my manager while I had no time to take shit from him. Basically we were in constant competition about anything and we would dig at each other hoping that one of us will be dumb enough to throw the first punch in the workplace. Once I saw he was serving a lone lady at the beach bar, a place where he had no business, but I realised why he was doing it; the bird was smoking hot. Instead of raging though, I thought I would be the bigger man. He brought her coffee to the lounge where she was sitting and left because #FrankieCarbone called him over… I had a lot of work to do but since I don’t give a shit, I’d rather skive and go talk to this lady.

Thom : I am willing to bet that you are American!

Savannah : How do you even guess that?

Thom : I have magic power!

Savannah :No seriously?!

Thom : Well you don’t look French, you are having an americano, you don’t wear any make up you’re quite natural, are you from Cali by any chance?

Savannah :Joker did you stalk me?

Thom :Yeah on a daily basis, I have applied to work in this hotel because I knew you were coming her for coffee sometimes.

Savannah :I see, how come your English is so good?

Thom :Believe it or not, but I had a corporate job in UK for the last 2 years!

Savannah :Nice, what are you doing here then?

Thom :Taking a career break, you?

Savannah :I am an au pair, but I start studying in Dublin in September.

Thom :No shit, I am planning on going to Dublin for St Patrick!

Savannah :Hit me up then!

Thom : How?

Savannah :Take my number?

I am taking her number while Noah and #FrankieCarbone are looking at me. I smile to them while she writes her mobile number into my cellphone. #FrankieCarbone looks so pissed, I guess I am going to get another warning, boo fucking hoo.

I’m also full of shit because I never went to Dublin for paddy’s day and I am not planning to go anytime soon even though I’d love to sort out a few things in Ireland if you know what I mean. *winky Face*

Following this major win, I am walking back to the bar to actually do some work, or at least pretend to be busy in front of the chick when I decide to wind up Noah a bit. I took my phone and open Whatsapp and showed her profile picture to Noah and added “do not think you will steal the bread away from my mouth, peace!”

It was quiet and #FrankieCarbone wanted to take a break from my filthy face so he sent me home. I was bored and I did not want to come home, so I started to call all my booty calls but everyone had made their plans, so I texted the lady I just met: Savanah.

She says that she is not free today but will be on Saturday afternoon. She invited me to the place where she is staying at with her “adoptive “parents who will be away the whole afternoon! She added that I should bring my swimsuit since they have a pool too.

But there is no way #FrankieCarbone let me off on a Saturday Afternoon for 2 reasons :

  • We are mad busy on Saturday
  • Why the hell would he reward me / do me a favour?

Soon enough, I understand what my next move will be… I will call in sick at 9AM on Saturday, no problemo! I confirm to Savanah that I will attend our “meeting.”

Saturday, I called Frankie Carbone telling him I had food poisoning. He asked me if I meant alcohol poisoning and I played the good boy card and say that I wish I could have got pissed last night.

I am getting dress: Blazer , skinny jeans, V collar T-shirt  and my amazing boots. I also have swimming trunks in my bag, I am now ready to go and smash Savanah’s back doors in!

On the way I am riding my Dax, listening to “The Champs – Tequila” and carefully driving far away from the belles rives even though that implies taking a longer way. I don’t care, I love riding my bike.

I finally reached Savanah’s place and we start drinking some Prosecco in her pool, she is slightly tipsy… fucking light weight.

I am sitting on the stairs of the pool when she lays on the sunbed and ask me:

Savannah :Do you mind if I do a bit of topless tanning?

Thom : Any more silly questions like this one?

Of course I would not mind,no reasonable men next to a hot girl would.Her breast is probably what boobs must look like in heaven, perfect little orange shaped tits, round and firm, with some lovely little brown nipple, I am staring at it and here comes my boner.

She laughs at the sight of my trunk, and I feel slightly embarrassed, but at the end of the day, if she was not expecting to see my boner… she would have not invited me over.
I come and sit on the sunbed where she’s at and I say:

Now that I have a boner, I don’t need anymore escuses if it happens no more, can you put sun cream on my back?

What was supposed to be a simple sunscreen spreading looked like an erotic massage and soon we both knew what would be going on in a matter of minutes. She’s massaging my shoulder and bend next to my head. We started to kiss and I was standing in the most awkward position ever. I turned back and she was kissing me and humping on my crotch, my mild boner was now properly defined.

Savanah: Just so you know, we cannot have sex here.

Thom: Yes we can, what do you mean?

Savanah: I meant, not by the pool, but we can go inside the house.

Thom: Lead the way.

As soon as I passed the sliding door windows we were getting into it. I was so pumped by the situation I was not even bothered to reach a bedroom or anything and I started in the kitchen. As things goes on we moved onto the table and I was making the most of my sick leave.

I am finally about to reach my climax position when suddenly a robot voice says “Gate is open.”  She rushed into the corridor and went to another room across it and yelled:

Shit they are here, you need to leave NOW.

Holy fucking christ, that’s my pants, that’s my bag, my socks, my blazer, my swimming trunks, where the fuck is my t-shirt?
I am looking for it and she’s shouting at me: “Faster, I don’t want to get fired!” … Fine I get that, some people do care about their jobs. I still don’t have my T-shirt, but there is no time to look for it apparently…

She is indicating me to wait until the garage door closes to fuck off by the gate. Luckily I parked my bike outside, so I grab my helmet and wait by the front door. I can hear the kid coming from the basement, suddenly she tells me “GO GO GO GO.” Fuck it feels like I am a soldier running through a no man’s land, sprinting toward the gate, it is slowly closing but I luckily make it.

I start to dress up and since I did not had my T-shirt I just put my blazer on top of me. I still have the condom on my cock, I remove it and knot it to the actual gate.

Later on I was riding my motorbike, still laughing at the whole situation I had lived through earlier on, and while my balls weren’t empty it had been a good time and I was hoping I could go for a second round with Savanah. (It never happened though, timing was too short).

At some point I reached a roundabout and there was a cop barrage. Considering we are in France and that I am not wearing a t-shirt and that nothing is on point on my Dax, I tried to keep a low profile. Also my gamma GT was probably quite high since we had a bottle of prosecco and since I got on the piss last night, I better not get caught.

I am passing by slowly when I put my foot on the ground to mark the stop and my boot slides a further 20cm which makes a loud noise.
Then I put the gas on and turn slowly left. Once I was out of sight I pulled the handle to the max to get out of their line of vision or before they change their mind.

1km later I hear some horn behind me and though I was already speeding I made a sign with my hand to the biker behind me to just overtake me instead of horning like a dick.

He kept horning and I could see his white bike behind me so I gave him the middle finger but… It was a cop.

Go in front of me, direct the barrage, don’t play fouls.

On the way I was counting all the thing that was fucked on my old bike, due to all the drunk driving I did and every time the poor machine fell onto the ground, but also the fact that I folded my registration plate to avoid speed camera and the fact that I don’t wear a t-shirt. This roughly all equated to a good 800 Euro fine and immobilization of the vehicle… o dear!

I stopped where they told me to stop and lifted my hand on my head, one of the senior officer came and turned my key and told me “You can turn off the beast, you will be here for a while.”

The biker that stopped me is enumerating all the felony on my bike and I swear he spotted more than 10.

I am totally fucked. 

One of the senior officer looks at me and inquires:

Senior Officer : Why the fuck don’t you wear a t-shirt? Is it a new style?

Thom : Sir, it’s too long to explain.

Cop : Well you might not have noticed but we all have time here.

Thom :Well… I had to leave by the backdoor.

Cop :Hey guys, come over we got a funny story coming right up.

So I told them the whole story after all. I mean what was to lose out there and if I did not they would be more annoying so why not just tell them, this way they can make fun of me once and for all.

Those assholes were cracking up, laughing their heads off and one asks me if I could at least drop the load to which I replied that I hadn’t had the chance.

He then asked me to spell my last name and I said “Romeo-Echo-Bravo-Oscar-Tango-Oscar-November.”

They looked each other and the second senior officer said “okay, today is the day that won’t be as bad as initially planned”

The first senior officer was a bit more of a cunt so he went “no no no, verbalize him” but they went over that order thank god and he said “give him a convocation at least at the police station.” And they let me go, but I had to come back the day after to the police station to show them that my registration plates were correct.

So I went to the police station, but as I was an hour early and they had a sand parking I decided to spend an hour doing flat track drift in their parking lot.

Once it was open, a chap came to check my plate has been changed (truth is I just unfolded it and cleaned it). The guy was a bit of a dumb ass and told me “oh so you were in England, I got a business, can I take your business card?“ So I gave him my once sacked recruiter card when suddenly the apparent commander of the police station parked his car and told me “oh it’s the commander.“ Like if I gave a shit, as far as I know I am just a civilian here.

The commandant was wearing jeans and was clearly off duty at that point and the dumb cop went:

  • Hi commander, how are you? I was with this individual to check that his registration plate was on point, and it is, so there is nothing to declare.

The commandant did clearly not gave a fiddler fuck and he looked at him with disdain and went:

  • Okay eeer… cool

And walked off.

I then left the police station and I was stuck in the traffic jam behind a bloody diesel that was smoking the hell out of my face so I went on the pavement and started driving on it dodging pedestrian when at the end of the intersection they were two cop bikers, I knew I was fucked this time… it was the same cop as yesterday.

They give me a hard time and let me go again, thanks lord. Once again, here I am riding alone in the sunset…






One thought on “Ill Gotten Goods Seldom Prosper

  1. Your stories are killing me, though I must hate you for being such an asshole all the time, you do manage to make me laugh a lot.

    Keep it up, Asshole!


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