Ashes to Ashes.

ashes to ashes.jpg
don’t watch my screen babe

Summer days in London have something unique about them that other days in other towns I have visited don’t have.

I don’t know if I could even describe it. They are breezy and sweet, everyone is chilled out, the parks are greener than springs the whole while the busy traffic plays its Honk Symphony as the beer and the pimms flows on every terraces.
The days really have something magical about them, and I suck too much at writing to explain it to you as Marcel Proust made you taste his madeleine with words. However, if you’ve ever been to London you know what I am talking about.

Since I had no friends back then,as my GF was eating most of my social life,my days off  when she wasn’t in town consisted of walking around town with no goals and no particular place to go in order to kill time. I roamed central London like no one ever did and I guess I could draw a map of London Zone One.

But coming back to the story… It was a Wednesday and the rolling stone that I was ended up in front of was the Victoria station church, can’t remember the name of this bloody cathedral.
I was smoking my cigarette on one of the stairs and heard a girl on the phone speaking in a weird language…

It sounded like German but it was not, there was a different tone to it that I could not define. When she hung up I decided to ask her what was this dialect that she was speaking.

She was Dutch and her name was Nikki. I loved her dress code. It was kind of following the current trend but had this little “ rock-n-roll” aspect glued to it. She had a ring with a Christian cross turned around, some spikes on her jacket and dark eyes. I found her to be very pretty and somewhat cute.

There was a blurred line in between what was good and what was right for my relationship, therefore when I took her number, not a time I wondered: am I doing the right thing?

At the time this is what was happening…Carolina had been out of London for the past 3 weeks, and she’s coming back Sunday. I cheated 4 times already and I was about to cheat on her twice this week. Coming back to Wednesday, I did not even feel weary about it, I mean I did far worse and 4 times before even taking Nikki’s number. This time though I was not lying to myself. Before I used to think, “no I am not going to cheat “ but it was clearly not the case today, I was aware of my cowardise.

So we chatted by text and I offered to see her on Saturday in Shoreditch, because I have never actually been to Shoreditch before. She accepted so I put in in my calendar. On Friday I saw Kelly and we know what happened. ( well you don’t but one day I’ll publish this story )

On the Saturday I woke up rough as fuck, not even in my flat, but at Kelly’s. My stomach was messed up and soon I went for a shit that burnt my arse ring. (Clearly a sign I drank way too fucking much last night)

I went to work not even taking a shower, I spend the whole day being dirty and my clothes stank of sweat and filthy muck like any person’s clothes would smell after a night out.

I took a “French shower “: which is basically spraying yourself with body spray to camouflage the reek and went to meet Nikki with my work uniform, that by the way was cool as hell. I was working for a suit company and they provided me with two wonderful suits. The one I was wearing was a linen double breasted brown check suit and ladies loved it.

I met Nikki and told her I had no idea what bars were cool to hang out in Shoreditch, but we walked throughout high-street and eventually I found a pub called the Whitehorse or some shit. We were at the wrong street, because we did not go to the cool Shoreditch place. At this point I thought to myself that Shoreditch was a shithole and I didn’t understand the hype that goes with it.

I told her “ fuck it, there’s nothing let’s go to this pub”. At the entrance the security guy was quite weird, he warned me:

Cockney Bouncer : Hey bruv, you sure you want to get in with your bird?

Thom : Yeah man why wouldn’t I ?

Cockney Bouncer : You know what is it ?

Thom :Yeah it’s a pub.

Cockney bouncer :Okay if you know then


I went to the bar and ordered a bottle of wine. Wine is on my side, last night I got Jesus’s blood and I ended up knee deep in some pussy. I shall keep that going after all.

We started chatting furthermore and I was getting to know her. Nikki truly was actually my kind of girl, more than Carolina was that’s for sure, but something disturbed me with Nikki.

Carolina has a pedigree that I liked. In a sense, she was everything I wasn’t. She had clever parents, she was from a rich family, they cared about her and always stood for her, she travelled all around the world, she’s good at school etc.

Nikki on the over side was very middle class, she was smart but she was not genius smart, she was lacking ambition but I really liked her self-destructive attitude. She was also an adrenaline junkie, she told me how she lust when she is stealing in some stores, and how she loves to gamble. If I was not a self-lying superficial son of a bitch I would have married Nikki, truly it was back then a girl I would have gotten along with.

We got interrupted in our discussion and to my biggest surprise, the lady that interrupted our discussion was naked…well in underwear. I was staring in utter disbelief : “HOLY SHIT” I thought as my jaw dopped on the ground. She had a little box in her hand and she went:

Hi guys I’m going to do my show and I am collecting money, this is how I get paid for my performance.

I gave her some coins and then it struck me, I was in a strip bar. The same girl that asked me for money was now on the podium. She’s just getting started with her dance but already the crowd is breathing hard, soon another girl came around to ask for cash for her show.

Nikki eventually said now that the wine bottle was over we should bounce to another bar. Damn right because if all those gals keep asking me for coins I am going to be absolutely broke by the end of the night, I mean I am already quite poor, let’s not make it worse. ( retail life and its guilty pleasure )


We went to another bar with red lights and Nikki told me she would get the drinks from now on, because she is frauding on the Dutch welfare and she claim to be quite rich due to that, which is totally fine because I am okay with free drinks and so is my bank account.
Once we got our drinks we went to sit on a table at the very back of the bar, in a corner and in the darkest area. Doesn’t take a genius to guess what will obviously happen.
Nikki and I keep talking and for some reason instead of just going for the kiss, I put my hands around her cheeks and said in a very calm tone:

I really want to kiss you now Nikki

And so just like that Carolina will have to share me again tonight. I am aware how awful this is. Carolina never deserved this, I mean… at this point of our relationship she did not!

The alcohol, the red lights, the cute Nikki and all the surroundings. It was obvious that shit were about to hit the fan and escalate. My hand was in Nikki’s inner thigh and my thumb stroking her clit through her pants.

We went to the bar again to get drinks and I insisted to go back to the table again, she said with her strong dutch accent and broken english:

Nikki : You want to go there to touch me again…

Thom :Of course I do

Nikki :You’re the worse!

We went back to the table and I kept being the cheater that I was, stroking Nikki’s pussy and kissing her but somewhat, I was being very different with her. I was a very alpha and suave straight forward man.

I also was somewhat affectionate to her, that’s where I started to loose control. At first I treated Carolina like the number one and the over as the number X, but soon I drifted apart and the line of defined affection became more and more blurred, logic was such a liar at this point.

Around 10:30 we left the bar and I offered her to smoke a Joint in the street behind. I never did hangout too much in Shoreditch so I could not tell you exactly where I was. What I could tell though is that there was a building with a train carriage laying on top of it (yes I swear to god or then Nikki put drugs in my glass) and on the corner of that building was a little street with a sort of utilities parking with bobcats/construction vehicles.

So we went there and we smoked the joint went I started finger bashing the hell out of Nikki, she was moaning and I offered to go back to mine. She accepted but I could feel she was not too ready. On top of that I might have not been too convincing in my tone because then I realized my room was so messy that if a girl saw that she would probably run away.
I was also thinking that Carolina comes back tomorrow and even though we don’t live in the same place, that was a risky move but that, that was also the end of the “ cheating vacation” and I should start thinking about going back to normal.

While I was thinking I did not say a word to Nikki, my head was so messed up, what was I supposed to do, I was really confused on what I was.

I told Nikki I felt weird about it and maybe we shall do that some other time, she was surprised but she accepted the idea. She ruined it when she told me, that next time we see each other she’ll wear some special underwear for the occasion.

We kissed goodbye and she went off the carriage to get the right tube line that goes back to her place.
Instantly it struck me, all the bad I’ve done to my relationship was emerging to the surface. Okay I cheated on Carolina six times now ( though I didn’t pound Nikki), but I was drunk all the time.
If I accepted Nikki’s proposal, then I’d be sober, therefore I had no excuses. I kept giving myself good conscious thinking that if I do things drunk I was not fully responsible of what was happening, that was a lie but it felt better that way.

Once I reached home, I went on Facebook, deleted the conversation I had with Niki, blocked her and blocked her number. She was in UK till October and it was august. I had just this time to survive and if I pass it I would never get caught. That night I could not sleep, I tidied my whole room like a maniac that I was. Bleached every inch of my bedroom.

Sunday afternoon I went to Carolina’s and she jumped on me, I can tell she was horny as fuck because once I passed through the door I was undressed in less than minute. We fucked like if nothing happened. In October 2013 I was relieved, Nikki was probably back in the Netherlands, but this relief did not last long, it actually backfired on me but not the way I was expecting it.
I was expecting to get caught, thrown out the windows and never hear of Carolina anymore,and that would have been the best because what happened instead was even more twisted.

I have never been able to look at Carolina the same way I did, and I tried to make it work, but I just didn’t trust her anymore. I saw how easily I lied to her, saying I was casually drinking with Stephanie ( one of my good females friends ) while I was finger bashing Nikki or fucking some random girls. Therefore I became mad and I guess she was doing the same. So I became incredibly possessive and jealous, she could not do a move without me asking with who she was.

I was paranoid and lost, I was awful to her, checking her phone conversations. I turned insane, refused to go clubbing no more to not cheat on her. My relationship struggle destroyed me from the inside, but I felt so guilty I tried to make it work I didn’t gave up on it but I should have. If we were there it was my fault only.

Following the Nikki’s incident I have not cheated on Carolina until the last day of our relationship. But our relationship went straight to ashes. Do I regret it ?

Yes and No.

No because my relationship with Carolina was a vast joke, and the girls I met were great.

Yes because I cheated and that’s plain evil and wrong, I lied to Carolina’s face and thinking back I feel like a proper tits for having done all of the above.

I have never heard of Nikki again I hope she’s doing allright.



One thought on “Ashes to Ashes.

  1. I like the way the authors put me in his shoes and how I could feel he is awaree that this is plain evil but in the same way doesn’t lie to himself no more when the chance to cross the line appears to him.

    Btw the title is ” cheating vacations part 4 ” when do we get the others parts ?



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