You might think I am full of shit since I said I would never go back to the perfid albion (England.), and you’re dead right, I am.
There wasn’t much hope in my success over this summer which I spend boozing and drowning my sorrows and hate for life in some random vaginas. But at the end I got my shit together since I was not ready to picture myself finishing my life in south of France and pass the horribly quiet non-touristic period.
I was offered a Job at Havas Media as a Recruiter and so here I was shipping off back to London. Soon I would be eating shit on some pavement and puking in the dirty water of the river. I knew my alcohol habits raised even more during the summer since I was pissed constantly; truly I was not optimistic about my second tour in London. I had a little feeling in my stomach, like if I knew this would turn to ashes and oblivion.
That being said, it was also time for me to see Maria. We waited long enough before finding each other again, she waited for me all summer and truly she could be the one I needed after all. I technically had sex with many ladies on the side but for all I care she does not know much of that. However something is shifty here because she was keen all summer and when I told her the good news I felt like something was going on. I guess I’ll find out on Friday when I see her.
I was in the plane eating my M&Ms and drinking some coffee with Jack Daniels, hangover as hell obviously…
Some people believe in Hillary for 2017, I believe in Rehab for 2017 personally. Bold as the devil, wearing my pinstripe suit and my loafers, I was feeling happy and good in my shoes. The plane finally landed in London, I took the number of the girl I was talking to and just moved on to my bags.
15:45 PM: Maria texted me to cancel and asked me to do a rain check, put our date for Saturday afternoon. That would be the first of a long series of cancelations. I’m supposed to go out with Mike on Saturday, well it seems I will also go out on Friday. The first weekend was pretty average. I got drunk, kissed a few chicks and got some numbers, but nothing that would blow your balls off so I’ll just skip it to Monday.
Monday I started my first day on the job. I signed my whole life away with HR following to that. I went on lunch with my bosses and decided that at Havas I would have a different approach than I have had in my different jobs since my previous gig turned out to be very unsuccessful. I was being very quiet. When they talked about girls and love I remained quiet. When they talked about alcohol I didn’t share a story either. One of my bosses rode a motorbike, so we chatted about motorcycles. Rest assure this did not last long. One of my bosses, the one that I trust the least (and I was right ) said we should totally go out for an after-work drink. I accepted, because if I just got a beer or two I shall be fine I thought. I was also supposed to meet this lady called Lily and since she was a cutie, I would not get too shit-housed in order to be successful.
On the Friday we went out to a place called Porter House. It was the classic welcoming drink party, where my boss would get alcohol and everyone would cheers me saying “Welcome to Havas Thomas!” By my 3rd beer Lily let me down and cancelled our date. I was slightly tipsy and felt like I owed a round to my workmates since I have not paid at all so far. By the 6th beer I was shithoused and started to argue with a tool next to us.
He called me gay so my drunk self just went over his big horse and told him to ask “ his mother that I pound daily” how gay I was. We were on the verge of fighting when my boss came and tried to chill things down. In all fairness I would have sucker punched the tool and send him to bed quick enough, but the harm was done even though I did not punch him. My boss “had to“ get involved to “save me” from a fight. The idea that I was a well behaved young man was gone already.
Make it worse, my boss brought her Cockney friend who was a pure salesman cokehead full of stories of him jizzing on some girls ass. I was so shithoused, I shared a few stories which probably left my colleagues horrified and by the end of my anecdote a few colleagues already left the bar ( which is hypocritical considering that when I left my boss was hooking up with her friend though she apparently have a fiancée ). When I finally left I could not walk straight, I went to bed and probably fell asleep by 10PM.
The Saturday morning was exactly how they would be for the next three or four months. I would wake up thinking I fucked up so bad and start worrying over my intoxicated actions. To make things better Maria left me down once again. It was time to forget about this bird, but shall I know whenever I am mild hearted on a lady they usually piss around, this is my malediction, my purgatory.
I went to Michael’s house with a 12 pack of imported Pils beer and we hit the shit off in his wonderful and well maintained garden. In the train we were steaming, bold as fuck and feeling suave ready to make an absolute blast in Libertine, our new favorite venue. We were talking to some girls in the queue as we always do when this black guy came to us. His name is Walla, he was a promoter and he offered us to join his list with our girls, we would get free alcohol. Obviously we did, because I won’t turn down free alcohol, and neither would Mike.
For those who don’t get that, Walla is a promoter. When you are a promoter basically your job is to get women in the club, you get paid each time you bring women in, some club pays you only if they are hot. You don’t get paid for boys or not so much therefore if you bring boys they must be hot, or you must have many birds, or you must trust them to entertain the table. In any case Walla is the best promoter I ever had and you will hear a lot about him throughout this chapter because truly if we reached this level of shithousing and debauchery this is only because Walla made it possible. I do not recall much of my night due to the fact that we consumed a lot of booze but from what I recall, we met some hot Swedish girls… Well, they were hot when we were intoxicated, the morning after, not so much. Those two skunks were lost tourist in libertine therefore they would easily be up for a thrill involving cum and ass fingering. Also, they were Swedish that says it all about sexuality and willingness to get laid.
Without much difficulties I kissed the “hottest“ one, she was a solid 10… okay a 5.5. But mike was struggling with miss 4/10. In my drunk stupor and in my desire to tease mike off, I threw a little joke that granddad use to do on chicks in his younger day.
Thom : Put your hand in front of yourself and close your eyes.
4/10 bird : Is it something creepy ?
Thom : Most certainly, do what I say love.
4/10 bird : Okay and now?
Thom : Think of a number between 5 and 6.
Before she had time to realize what the fuck I was saying I came over and kissed her and added “see mike, ain’t so difficult”. God must have took the remote and pressed “ next chapter “ because I recall nothing at all from what happen next. My memories take us back to the cab with Michael putting his head out the windows and me singing “ police and thieves.” This ride costed me a fortune ( that I never paid, I still owe you uber : fuck you ). Normally it’s a 20 bucks ride so I guess we messed around, slash the driver looked so happy and impressed as you can tell.
Anyway who knows, I have no recollection of that. Needless to say I am getting the blonde one and Michael the ugliest one of both, even though none of them are actually hot, my one is a solid 5/10, still would smash, with beer googles.
We finally get out of the cab, walking is more difficult than I thought it would be, all I am thinking of is “one feet and then the other.“ The struggle is real and my whole body is telling me to go fuck myself including my stomach and my asshole that are particularly mad at me.
I was not checking on Mike so much but when we came to his door I came to the realization that he would not recognize his own father so fucked he was. The asshole could not find his key and started to rape the ring button which as a result, drove his brother to go down the stairs and look at us with disbeliefs.
Don’t you have key Mike? Who are those girls ? huh what …
We went in the attic and I asked Mike to get some booze, he went down, brought a bottle of vodka and threw it hardly to me, almost killing the bird if I had no reflex… the god of alcohol was with me because if Mike would have smashed the bottle on the girl’s face the night would have been going down big time. This dumb ass did not bring glasses so I pointed it out to him that in order to drink he shall bring some glasses. The girls are a lot more sober than us, one of them asked me with her shitty Swedish accent:
4/10 bird : Is your friend okay?
Thom :Yeah he is just pretending, don’t worry he is joking around.
However, I was slowly realizing that he was not playing pretend, he was really fucked up and I was wondering how I would turn this fiasco in a team win. He came back and again threw the glasses on the couch almost killing someone. So we have glasses, we have vodka, maybe we shall have some soft. So I stressed that to mike and brought us a bottle of Evian. Okay he is really fucked up I should come with him, because it is now too hard to claim that mike is just joking. Mike crashed in the stairs leading him to bleeds and successfully waking up the whole house. I went back to the attic and let mike sort himself in his bathroom. They must have heard the big boom and I must be the knight in shining armour and save the night. That was however too much for mike’s mother. She opened the attic door and said “ Thomas can I talk to you for a second”. I was holding it in front of two tipsy birds but can I hold it in front of mike’s mom
I am walking towards the corridor in order to “chat“ with the mom and I knew I would get boned, she is mad pissed off, tears in her eyes she said “ you know I am normally welcoming…”. I will save her the hustle: “ I know we are leaving, sorry we are drunk we did not think properly it was stupid, I’m so sorry for disturbing you, I put mike to bed and I will leave with the ladies“
I am forcing mike into bed while he is whisper shouting “ IMMA FUCK THIS GIRL WE’LL HAVE ANOTHER 4SOME “. So I am just letting him know he fucked up and it’s too late.
It’s like 5AM now and I let the girls know that we are in the middle of buttfuck South London but I live close by and they can crash at mine. Once at my place the ugliest one lays on my bed, I looked at the blond and said “hold on brunette, I’m going to show something to your friend out of the room , be back in 5.“ I am dragging the blonde in the bathroom and start kissing her like if the boat was sinking, truly my dignity boat is sinking right now for pulling a 5/10. I put my fingers in her fanny while she’s asking me why there are toys in the bathroom.
Cons of living with a landlord that has kids I guess.
My bathroom being tiny I’m going to be inventive to fuck her so I sat her on the toilet with her feet on my shoulder, in order to lick her out. Side note, though not being ultra great looking, she has one hell of a cute vagina, only men would get that but sometime us males do have a thing with Vaginas.
It’s a bit like the Pokemon cards, you want to get them all “hole”… okay it’s not funny. and sometimes you have a type of vagina you never had before and you truly feel amazed by it, adding it to your Poke-dex. Coming back to the battle, my knees were hurting but with such a pretty twat I was like a kid on Christmas and was willing to lick her till orgasm which I think I did. We then swapped, she blew me and I wanted to poke this vagina so bad, so I laid her on the ground and started getting my pencil wet down there. Wet was the word because she was dripping, but I came to that point later, just remember that. The poor lassie was getting pounded and I could not see the end of it so I decided to switch holes and went 69 blowing my full load right in her throat, they say men cum the equivalent of a tea spoon but I feel like I blew the equivalent of a bowl.
To finish myself of I started drinking some more beers and I then kissed the brunette but once again god pressed the “ next chapter button.” Jesus he did that a lot that night. Anyway in the morning I walked them back to the bus station and I then bumped into my Chinese landlord lady and she told me with her strong usual accent.
Landlord’s wife : Hello Thomas how are you doing?
Thom :Good you?
Landlord’s wife : Good. Did you spit some oil on the ground yesterday? I did not know what it was but it looked like dry olive oil, I cleaned it don’t worry, hope you had fun.
I puked in my own mouth when she said that and I felt bad for her, she was smiling having no clue what that dry “ oil “ was and she cleaned it. I cleaned my room and I found 2 used condom which is why I don’t know if I fucked them both or not, but I guess only God knows and I bet he is not pleased. I think I haven’t though because I woke up and only my girl was wearing one of my t-shirts and her knickers while the other still had her dress on, If a 3some would have happened both would be naked in bed.
I was supposed to meet a friend but she let me down, what the fuck is wrong with birds lately? I’ll text this Lily that let me down last time; it will keep me busy eventually…
if only I knew at the time what this decision would cost me… MAYHEM ENSUES
The Pursuit of Sluttiness 