The Pursuit of Sluttiness

I travel quite a lot, I’ve been with a few airlines, and I was disappointed by BA’s, so I thought I shall drop them a little note.

From : Thom

To : BA Customer relations service

Subject : My unfortunate story, my rant, and my suggestions to improve.

---

Howdy you poor person reading this,

Ah, British Airways…Appointed by the queen herself, the true blue and red one, the spear of the British exponential capitalism and imperialism.

Never had I traveled with you until that one day when no other options were available. Being from Nice means that all Britons will invade my city and get sunburnt on the beaches, drink their way to death, and show us French stiff-arses how debauchery is done properly. The consequences of that shit show is that the London / nice air path is crowded like Piccadilly Circus on Bloody New Year eve, therefore getting a last minute ticket will cost your “derriere” a fortune.
So here I was £300 lighter and off to the airport, looking forward to seeing the fog, the rain and wear my friggin’ winter clothes that have no use whatsoever in Nice.
I boarded the plane, I personally choose a seat in the middle rather than the pre selected one on the last row, this way I would get outta here faster. One might think it was a wise bloody move, I also choose a window seat, so the trip would be less boring, everything was set to be perfect… like if I meticulously orchestrated my wedding or some shite, it was so much planning for a spontaneous * C U next Tuesday *  of my kind, but there was a thing I didn’t consider….

As I sat down next to the window, I removed my jacket and made myself at ease,’ I thought I was on the last bus ( from the terminal to the landing strip ) but there was actually one more, which meant the plane would probably be full.

” Whatever, ” I thought, being a marine I already did trips at the back of some cattle truck looking overcrowded vehicle.

As I stretched I saw this massive hippopotamus eating and struggling through the lane while carrying her bag. Like you can’t even wait to be seated, you have to eat/walk/carry your bag you Fatfuc.. *Cheeky big person*. It made me laugh and I thought ” don’t tell me it’s a disease lol, what am I saying, LMAO even”

She then talked to the guy on the row seat, my row, and pointed him the seat in between him and I …

YES, SHE’S SITTING NEXT TO ME.

She smiled to say hello to me as she struggles to get through with mayonnaise still on the corner of her mouth. I smiled back because I’m a bloody hypocrite and saying a thing will get rowdy I don’t want to be blacklisted from flying.

YEAH YEAH YEAH, plus sized women are wonderfully hot to some people, someone’s gotta do it and we need a bit of everything to do the world I guess.
As she sat down, a fresh breeze of onions, sweat, unwashed * double whistle *, and stinky derriere came to my nose that used to be blocked until today

” oh sweet irony “

She bended down as she could and grabbed a Pret-a-manger avocadofatomayo drippin’ sandwich like she needed another one … I guess there’s avocado so it’s healthy right?

As I hugged the wall and breathed only when necessary, the plane finally took off.The lovely flight attendants came over to “offer” food and beverages, oh so you actually have to pay for it. I thought only Ryan Air and Easy Jet ( or low cost ) charged for food and drinks, but alright, I burn money on a daily basis for things a lot less necessary than food anyway (because I’m an idiot), so okay to hell with it I’ll pay. I also didn’t know BA was in the low-cost playground since it cost me £300 FUCKING QUID TO GET HERE, but let it be.

I then find out cash isn’t taken on the plane so you have to pay by card, yeah whatever. I gave my card.

” oh sorry we do not take Maestro card ” she said in her lovely tone… side note: there’s must be nothing that sounds as amazing as a back scratching British accent.

So here I am watching dependapotamus eating her second avocado sandwich as I start to starve ( and need it more than her ). At one point I took the opportunity to go for a piss, I stayed a good 20min behind the flight attendant munchies trolley, but I won’t complain about standing ram road like an asshole in the corridor as for once I could breathe.

So here I am writing this rant as the plane shakes in air holes, iTunes is on shuffle, what song came out as the mammoth next to me rub elbows with my ribs cage?

“Don’t push me around – the zeros “

Oh that’s just fucking great ! to make this trip even more golden, I think we shall crash on the Calais jungle as we fly over the town right now.

But every good thing as an end, so if we fly over Calais it means that soon I’ll be in the land of the chav...ginge…QUEEN… QUEEN, I MEANT!

I remember Delta, the crappiest airline on earth, being on a spot light ( every year there’s a new controversy so you might have forgotten this one ) for charging double price for overly fat bas… Cheeky big people.
At first, I thought it was racist and unfair to charge people for their weight as I was still a teen, able to eat MacDonalds 10times a week and not getting fat.

However I’m an adult now and like every one of us, if I go a week eating only rich food and drinking loads, I’ll get fatter. Hence the reason why I work out and regulate it. Am I eating 3 mayonnaise dripping sandwiches in a row at 11:00 Am?

F*CK NO I AINT

In all fairness, my girlfriend once paid a 50 Euro fine because her suitcase was two kilos too heavy. Therefore If someone is 50kilo heavier than the norm, they might as well pay the second ticket.

And though it isn’t politically correct to make the convict pay for their weight, I would like you to know there’s some fee I’d be happy to pay on top.

Because you guys are always coming up with a new way to rip off people like ” get an emergency exit seat so you got leg room and If the plane falls into water you’re the first out “: + £25 … survival has no price

Or ” buy our travel insurance that covers one case out of 100 “: + 30 bucks mate!

But as a recommendation, I’d love to let you know I’d pay an extra 3 pounds to sit next to a skinny person. A fiver to sit in a row away from the cheeky poopy smelly big sized nice person. Or even better “Sit on the fucking wing for only a tenner ” , I’ll happily get that down for Pete’s sake.

On the way back to Nice, after a weekend of boozing, dancing like a bellend on house music and strolling around the Notting Hill Carnival, my whole structure was messed up and my brain was torn to oblivion, so flying at night time, you can imagine how happy was I to sit behind a row of 6 French kids. I know you’ll ask why does it matter that they are French, but it actually does. On whatever flight from X to France, I always witness kids from X being well behaved and French kids being absolute tools.

  You don’t believe me? 

Fly from Frankfurt to Nice, London to Nice, Stockholm to Nice… you’ll see what language the loud kids are speaking. I told them in French if they could kindly calm down, worked for 3minutes, then it kicked back, so I told their fucknu… lovely mother that asked them to stop. It was lacking any authority, so obviously the kid didn’t shut up.

Therefore I asked one of your staff to be moved and the lovely chap ( there’s no irony this time, he was a nice guy) complied, I just feel very upset that I and a bourgeois mom lost the battle against 6 annoying spoiled brats. the dude next to me was looking at me with this ” I know they are MFCKR but what can you do bruv” and the champagne socialist idiot couple of the other side kept sighing, and I’m not making that up, we all hated em.

So I wondered if you guys actually have cells in your planes like on boats. I think that in order to offer a relaxing and unique experience to your regular flyers, locking the kids underneath would be the most logical answer to that. You’ll tell me that it is horrendous and the kid couldn’t survive and all, but that’s not true, my dog flied there once and he’s now 19years old still kicking ( …the windows mostly cause the poor animal can see shit no more though ).Now to prevent a panic attack, I think it is a very easily-sorted problem… Back in the days I would have just said that gazing them with sleeping gas would be the best, but kids are so stupid nowadays, give them an iPad for the ride and they won’t notice shit.

Okay on a serious note, I hate to bring this to you, but no one actually listen to your safety power point, and rightly so because if the plane crash my legs would probably end up the cockpit, my head by the tail and my intestines spread all over ( apparently my biology teacher once told us that once undone the intestine is 20m long, so it’s possible), instead could you make a powerpoint that explain people not to lay over you with their epiglottic cushions or to have their kids to shut the hell up and not bang on the seat all the trip.

Anyway, let’s just forget it. It’s just another brick in the wall of my hatred. I’d like to specify that although you have an inexistent ability to choose your customer correctly ( including me, I mean seriously, I got nothing better to do than ranting about the fatties and kids raised by stupid rich people that spoil them ) and your low-cost habits of making people pay but discriminate maestro card users, your staff were golden .(The staff wasn’t as good as Lufthansa but you can’t really match up with the  real MVPs in the flying game) other than that, the flight attendants were lovely and that the captain of both flights were good sports.

In case you were thinking about my belly storage options for stupid kids, here’s a link where you can see my doggy, yes he is old, blind and ugly but he survived the flight there’s My dog but I’ve read you can’t read attached file, so tough luck you might as well just have to believe me.

With a lot of love, Cheerio!

Yours not so faithfully

THOM

---

So far they haven’t replied, but be sure to have one as soon as they let me know what’s up