I’ve now been in the French Marines for 4 months and fuck me. I thought I would have dropped it within a day and yet I’m still here. I guess I’m not as clever as I thought I’d be and that opening doors with my fucking head could actually be a vocation for idiots of my sort.
Previously on the pursuit of sluttiness, aka my life, I was left walking on a leg. A girl with whom I had strong expectations for had let me down the best way possible. My burden of a karma drags me down just the way I deserved.
I met her about 5 years ago and beyond the sea, she went back to England. I then moved to England; she moved to the US and came back 4 years later for a week where we hooked up. She then contacted me one day out of the blue to tell me she wanted my help to correct some motivation letter for an internship in Paris. She got it and we met, hooked up and finally screwed. She then texted me one day to tell me, “Ha-ha I met another French guy. “
It came to my face like a Mcgregor punch, and my hopes of settling down with a lady were once again thrown upon thin air.
But I’m the type of guy that never settles down, roam around the town causing mayhem and screwing your sisters or daughters. I kiss and love them for a night. To me, they’re all the same and the princess I mentioned above was proving me right.
Back to the horse fuckery, I swore to myself that I wouldn’t get soft and fucked all over again. With that, I was willing to act entitled, living like a millionaire without a penny, no tomorrow like my life would last a million years.
One evening at the base, my friend Sofian came to me and asked if I were keen to get out and get a quick one at the (fake) Irish pub down the camp called Public House.
Fake as shit because no one speaks English there, the decoration and furniture is a mix in between a fucking steak house, a southern French casa house and is obviously overpriced. But they serve Guinness and the fat female hippopotamus looking for a military husband with insurance, deployment bonus and Tricare doesn’t go to that dive.
That’s enough to convince me.
We went there, what started as a, “We go for one! “ was now a bold defined lie as I was already pumping willing to get nasty and clearly the population there just inspired me to slice my own dick with a rusty kitchen knife. Sofian on the other side was steaming but we needed a sparkle to convince him to go out.
As we went for a ciggy the waitress told us, “Have a good evening lads“, I looked down on Sofia and said:
Thom: Did you pay for all?
Sofian: I didn’t pay for shit.
Holy fucking tits GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!
We are rushing to the parking lot and that was it; the sparkle Sofian needed was now here. We just saved about 100 quid that we were willing to spend here, which means we must go somewhere else and spend them. But it’s a fucking Thursday night, it might be an absolute craig in London, but in Frejus, it sucks ass there. Suddenly Sofian did came up with a brilliant idea:
Let’s go to a sex club!
Like yeah it’s lame as shit, but it not as lame as going to the ladies of the nights. So we used this pearl of technology called Google and soon we find shoes to our feet, So L’Absolu in Cannes it will be.
We got some take away booze, some rock blasting, even sang and chant over, “How you remind me” from Nickelback. On the way… little did we know, though obvious, were on the stairway to the lamest night of our lives.
We finally arrived at the club and went to parking our cars next to dozens of Porsches, Ferraris Maserati’s and other small penis kinds of sports cars. We walked up to the entrance where the bouncer stopped us:
Bouncer: Good evening guys, are you in the service?
Thom: Yes, we are, it’s the haircut that gave us away. Right?
Bouncer: Okay guys, I’m gonna be honest with you, normally I should not let you in, but I’m a retired Marine paratrooper so I’ll be nice. Park your car away from the parking lot; a Peugeot doesn’t look good next to a Jaguar. If your mate has some smarter shoes and a shirt, then I’ll let you in.
Thom: Roger that. We’ll do that.
Thank God, this moron of Sofian has his suitcase in the trunk so he was able to change himself. We moved the car and left the parking lot and hid the shitty Peugeot down an alleyway.
Once we came back the bouncer gave us a big lecture on how they do not tolerate military style bad behavior. For Christ’s sake, they even made us sign a contract saying we respect everyone’s sexual directions and that No Means No as if we were about to punch homos and rape women.
We passed the door and paid a 70e fee. When I think about it, I really should’ve saved those or let this one off my karma and paid those fake Irish pub waitresses.
It looked exactly like a normal club, a cloakroom, a dance floor and just hooker like dressed ladies, I was wondering how the fuck does this work, so in order to figure out I went to the bar and ordered a few shots for me and Sofian. Once intoxicated Furthermore, I was willing to understand it better.
Later that night I was in the smoking area when this 40-year-old looking milf, wearing stockings came and sat next to me, paying no attention whatsoever to my existence.
Thom: Hey darling, you look like someone that could give me directions.
Milf: How so?
Thom: Well, I’ll bend my knee and admit that I’m clearly a cherry here, and you look a bit more savvy about the way this place works.
Milf: Oh, that’s so sweet, you’re so innocent, I love it!
Now keep in mind that I lost my virginity about 8 years ago. I discovered rage drinking about 10 years ago. I brawled my way through life, being the biggest dickhead on earth, yet all it takes is to go to a libertine club to be innocent, logic is damned.
Thom: Well I guess. So, what’s your word?
Milf: So it basically works like a club, a normal one. But upstairs there is a room when people can fuck and do the worse things they ever wished.
Thom: Oh alright, so it’s like a mainstream club where you don’t need to bring the girl home, sounds great to me.
Milf: Well, almost yes… You’ll see. But if you want you can go upstairs in about an hour or so and there will be people doing their thing and you can see for yourself.
Much obliged for that advice, I carefully executed and went upstairs with Sofian an hour later.
What I saw was insanely fucked up.
In the first room was this one chick getting boned by 8 dudes. Then one look to the right this bird was slapping the white out of a guy munching her pussy. Then the next one was just a guy and two girls having a threesome. What’s even weirder is that everyone was whispering, and being as quiet possible while in the darkness you could hear some balls quivering on some arses and some bints moaning like a pig getting its throat sliced.
I and Sofian were watching this with such great shock and absolute hilarity. Never have I ever set a foot in such a fucked-up place. I was walking around the corridor, kinda watching with curiosity like a voyeur; not because it aroused me but because I was surfing an unknown wave.
There were these two hot chicks in leather stockings chatting, so it’s my chance to shine. I approached them with a shitty pickup like, “Hey what you two are doing alone?“ Soon enough shit hit the fan and they were on the bed with Sofian and me.
The blonde one was blowing Sofian as I was going down on the brunette to eat her out. Even though it sounds wrong now, it seemed like a great idea at the time.
I quickly changed my mind once I reached her pussy where she probably had about 5 piercings on it. I thought, “Fuck that shit, I’m going straight to ramming,” even though I was not fully serene since all those piercings may be able to break the fucking connie God knows.
We switched girls and as I was now doing the blonde one in doggy, I noticed there were about five to six guys wanking or watching like perverts behind me. I had a bit of a “uh oh” moment, while I was looking at them the girl I was knobbing went from ‘Haaaan’ to ‘Hmphrrfff’, like if the moans were suffocated somehow. Well don’t look further, there’s now a grey-haired man shoving his dick up her mouth and some more dudes with their dicks out on the other side of the bed.
I decided to leave the gangbang when some other dudes started fingering the chick’s ass as I’m taking her from behind, resulting in having another man’s hand rubbing on the base my dick.
That’s it, I’m out.
As I’m walking off, putting my pants back on, this woman in a glitter dress, #divorcedwith2kidsbutIdofitnessandIamafreewoman looking lady interrupted me:
Cougar: Hey, you are new here?
Thom: Well yes, I am, how do you know?
Cougar: You don’t look like the other people in here.
Thom: Whatever you meant with that, I want you to know I take that as a compliment.
Cougar: Hey baby, don’t be judgemental.
Thom: Well sorry, I guess I’m just not used to this.
Cougar: Oh you’re so sweet and innocent, tell me what you’re used to?
Thom: Well lead the way.
We went to that lounge room with no one there. I sat down and she put her legs on mine, put her hair back and folded her hand on her knees
Cougar: I’m listening
Thom: Well you know I love to take my time, talk a little bit first, then go down to it gently and smoothly, and then once we’re both in it, I’d consider going harder.
Cougar: So, would you make love to me even though we don’t know each other or would you fuck me hard?
As my hand strokes her stomach and my arm is around her, I went slowly for the kiss
Thom: Why don’t you sit and watch?
Cougar: Well so sad I couldn’t be your first
Thom: The first time always sucks anyway, be my second.
Almost an hour later, sweaty and gross with a sore dick, all I wanted was to go down to the club and get a few more drinks. As I was doing so I walked by the room where the gangbang happened and it were still happening, the women was still there, but there were, even more, men on that poor chick.
Sofian met me downstairs and we had a few drinks, and then I went on the dance floor and started dancing with a 30-year-old looking chick. I then found out she was from Clapham so we talked about how I lived there and all and we were chatting on a sofa when this old dude was looking at me weird.
Thom: Hey you know that guy?
English girl: Yes, he’s my husband.
Thom: Say what? You’re actually married?
English girl: Yeah, we have an open-minded marriage.
Thom: Woah, I thought this existed only in the movies. Is he okay with me hooking up with you and shit?
English girl: Well here we are, I think so, ask him.
I leaned over to the chap and asked . . .
Thom: Hey sir, you’re alright with me talking to you chick and hooking up?
Husband: Yeah if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be here, I would like to ask you something.
Thom: Feel free man.
Husband: I like the way you are chatting her up, touching her and stuff, I’d like to see you in action, we still have a bottle here but we will go up sometime later.
Thom: Mate, I don’t know how I feel about gangbanging your wife with you…
Husband: Okay let me rephrase it, why don’t you fuck my wife while I watch.
Thom: Oh that, well I guess I can do something about that.
Over the years as time has passed and I really don’t get how you can get your kicks from watching your bird getting knobbed by some guy you just met while beating off in the corner of the room. Anyway, at this very moment, two feet in the plate, Sofian came all excited and hyped.
Sofian: Hey man, you remember that milf you talked to earlier this evening, she’s game!
Thom: Yeah you do your thing man.
Sofian: Nah mate, she’s interested only if you’re there too, come on man, stand with a friend!
Tell me, tell me, why the hell do I always accept to throw myself in such situations? Why do stupid ideas like gangbanging a coked-up milf sound like the invention of wheel to me once I’m shit-housed? I guess I took friendship to the next level, and male solidarity as seriously as the soldier of the Red Army took fighting the Reich.
Obviously maybe by pure male solidarity or by classic Thomas Idiocy, without a doubt, I ditched the couple to get in a gangbang with someone else’s mother.
As I arrived, she showed signs of happiness about me “coming along“ and she seems to be very impatient because within seconds of not even recalling how she was blowing me and my friend in the smoking area and yet I couldn’t help but laugh seeing that old bird shoving my whole dick in her throat and making gagging noises. They say in the old pans that we make the best soup and I could only agree that despite how gross it was to watch, it was a sick blowjob.
There’s a detail that might sound futile right not but mind you it’s important. I was licking her nipples and her breast looked somehow altered, like surgically made. They were too firm and round but somehow didn’t looked like the average boob jobs, I can recognize fake breast from a miles away, but this one was hard to tell. So I inquired:
Thom: Hey you got fantastic breast, are they real?
Milf: Yes 100% real darling
Oh well, I’ve heard they do it better in France than in England and America, so maybe that’s why.
We went up to the, “shagging and whispering while watching floor“ and settle down in the lounge I previously fucked. I sat down and the milf started to blow me. My mate hinted that he reckoned she was a tranny but I was having none of it, absolutely certain it would not be. She went to the terms of oral sex and started blowing off my mate.
An ejaculation is the only moment where a guy can sober up his emotions, regret, or self-loathe himself. Have you ever been so horny that you ended up banging your ex and as soon as you did you busted your nut?
You just wanted to get the fuck out or even better, you fucked that lame chick, and now that you came, you just wanted her to leave your house? No hugging, no talking, no nothing; this is it…
GET OUT OF MY FLAT!
I was in the midst of that and I started questioning life and more specifically my night and all the lame sluts I banged tonight and the fact that I just got blown by a milf that snorted a highway of cocaine probably. A milf but supposedly a tranny, I need to be sure:
Thom: Hey can you remove your short while you blow my mate, I kinda feel like seeing you naked while you blow him.
Milf: Oh eh no, I can’t; like if I do people will get pissy and stuff.
Thom: What do you mean they will get pissy? I thought you were a regular.
Milf: Yeah but people will start talking and stuff.
Thom: Well, have you been there, like hello, there’s a chick getting smashed by 10 dudes for 3 hours in the room next door? Are you a tranny?
Milf: What ?! No, LOOK GUYS, if you don’t trust me then zip up your pants and I’ll leave
Thom: Well sorry but I’m not trusting a gangbanging cokehead.
Sofian that hinted she was a tranny chimed into the conversation
Sofian: Look you might not be a transvestite, but are you a transsexual?
Thom: Awww nuts, I just got blown by a dude, you gotta be shitting me.
Sofian: Alright don’t lie, I don’t care, but just be honest with us, are you a transvestite or …
Milf: Oh, that yeah, I’m a transsexual, well I’m a woman, Because I identify as such.
I was in absolute shock, Should I stay Calm or should I rock the casbah?
Bitch lied to me the whole time when she said her boobs were real, when she said she wouldn’t remove her shorts because people would slut shame her.
Man, what the fuck?
Somehow, I get what she/he/it did there, I mean, those people get in tricky dementia where they were born a way but identify from the other side of the fence, and the only way for them to live their life correctly and feel good about themselves is to become the gender they wanted and live their life as such.
So this bloke probably felt he wasn’t belonging to that lad body of his. He didn’t like the fact he was born with a penis … which is dumb as fuck. Seriously, it’s great you can piss wherever you want. So he became a woman, got a boob job, swallowed a wee load of estrogen to be that person he dreamed of. And now she/he/it lives as such, seducing blokes that are looking for women, but somehow since she/he/it will never be one, he has to lie to hide his dirty little secret. If he came across as a tranny to any straight male, most would get scared or refuse to go further.
I do get the whole motive, I really do, but I just got blown by a dude, which makes me a homo on paper now, also I enjoyed that when I thought it was a woman, but now I want to be sedated. I’m literally feeling raped. So I refused to punch him/her/it due to the statement I made above about how I understand and all, but fuck me, I went ballistic.
Thom: You self-identify as a woman, well that makes it a whole lot better than, like really, I don’t feel like I’ve been sucked off by a man anymore. Well, guess what? I self-identify as a Volkswagen Beatle, The Vintage Editon. FUCK YOUR FUCKING BALLS ASSHOLE! BALLS THAT YOU PROBABLY GOT REMOVED, I can’t believe I got tricked out by Satan’s best invention.
Tranny: You’re a bigot!
Thom: No I’m not. I self-identify as Harvey Milk so I’m ultra-tolerant. Anyway, Sofian let’s bounce.
Flash, Bam, Alakazam, out of the blue, after years of dodging the whole trans incident, 1st with the dodgy flatmates, and countless times where I have been hit on by hybrids, it finally happened to me. I was tricked by a cock-packing mama. Finally got caught in the spider web and now all I had with me was my self-consciousness about the fact that I was blown off by a chap.
We went to the bathroom and washed our dicks with the hand soap. We each washed our own, we’ve already been blown by a dude so don’t make us any more gay than we already are.
We left, got in the car, and drove the whole way back to the regiment. We didn’t talk to each other. We were turned on the radio and at one point, “Raindrops keeps falling on my head“ by BJ Thomas came on and I couldn’t imagine a better ending song for that horrid occasion.
We made it to the barracks at 4:00 AM. It was 4:45 AM by the time I managed to wash my dick with alcohol, soap, and disinfectant. I went to sleep to wake up at 6:00 AM, which sucked, all the alcohol and the self-loathe I carried in me were hurting. I ran into Sofian and he advised that we don’t talk about the tranny in the barracks. Fuck that, I thought, I’m not telling the barracks about it, I’M TELLING THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD.
So when the guys asked how our night at the sex club went, my answer was plain and simple:
A guy in the group: So tell us lads, what did you do last night?
Sofian: We went to a sex club.
Another guy in the group: No way! Did you have fun?
Thom: Fucked a few chicks and got my dick sucked by a man dressed like a women kind of fun, it’s not fun as hooking up with your sister kind of fun, but that was kinda fun.
Sofian: Fuck you, Thom! We said we’d keep it to ourselves.
Thom: You said it, not me.
Some guys in the group: Ah that’s fucking gross. You guys are homos.
Thom: I fucked more chicks that you all ever will. So yeah a dude sucked my dick by accident, so what? we all know that next week I’ll be knee deep in some chick out of your league.
Sometimes in life, you’ll do something you’re not proud of. This is one of those examples in my own life. However, it takes a bigger man to do something crappy but walks away and absolutely admit it with your head held high. Yeah, I got sucked by a man, yeah that will make a lot of you laugh. I personally felt raped because I didn’t consent to this. I still feel bad about it. But somehow, it also changed me in the way I look at women; because let’s be honest, it might have been all fun and games, but I don’t want this to ever happen to me again. Also, medicine is making progress day by day, which means that in a few years, with the hormones and surgery you probably wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. I’m all down for accepting people for what they are, for what they do, it’s the beauty of free speech and freedom of expression, but…
One person’s freedom ends where another’s begins.
And if your freedom is to transform into a woman then so be it, but don’t lie and be secretive about it. You can’t force a guy to enter your utopia if he doesn’t agree with you. I believe that if you’re a trans and start something with a straight male, he should know where you’re coming from.
I’m sorry for being the pink-haired, pierced hipster, triggered sissy but I doubt many straights men would love to get down to it with someone that was previously a male…